US keen on Malaysian model

Stung by worldwide criticism over their inability to stabilize Iraq, the US yesterday turned to Malaysia to provide a model to be used in the Middle Eastern country. “We find that the Malaysian model can be used because people in this country live in harmony,” Karen Hughes said from Putrajaya yesterday.

The Shiite majority will be designated as new Iraqi ‘bumi’ whose privileges will be drawn up in a new contract that will be included in the constitution. “There will be no further discussion on the issue in the future as it will hurt the harmony,” Najib explained to eager Shiites yesterday. In addition to 7% discount on houses, the Shiites will receive preferential treatment in getting government reconstruction contracts. The Shiites will also be encouraged to apply for class F contractor licenses for small works projects throughout the country. “Peace comes with a price,” Najib further explained to rather despondent looking Sunnis and Kurdish minority representatives. He later asked Hisham to show the Iraqi PM the correct way to wave a keris. “Trust me, it works every time," Hisham told Ibrahim.

As the news of the new ruling spreads throughout the capital, thousands of Shiites were seen fighting for application forms to bid for contracts while the Sunnis and Kurds were busy trying to line up their Shiite ‘kaki’.

The new coalition government will also be led by the Shiite majority, with Sunnis being given portfolios of housing, health, transport while a Kurd will head the Works ministry. “In the spirit of gender equality, we also advised them to name an obese Shiite woman to head their international trade ministry,” Najib further added. “Better still if she is disabled, but they can also appoint someone with weak knees,” he clarified

In addition to the social contract, the Shiites will also be given all kinds of permits, including permits to import cars and to run Ramadan kiosks. “We have decided to give all of the Ramadan kiosks in Baghdad to the son of police chief,” explained Bagi al Kiosk, the officer in charge.

Also in Putrajaya, in order to prevent further attack on corrupt cabinet ministers, the cabinet today added itself to the endangered species list. Almost immediately, Kit Siang was fined RM 7,000 by parliament speaker for illegal poaching.

More mutated mosquitoes found

The Health ministry today announced their latest findings from their month-long research on the dengue outbreak currently ravaging cities throughout the country. “We found two mutated species that are excessively hardy,” Chua said. According to the head of research team, Dr. Gigit bin Nyamuk from UM, the two types possess distinctive characteristics.

“They are still alive and kicking after repeated fogging and attacks. The first one we name Aedes Rafidahsis. It has a round and heavy body, with weak legs. That’s its only weakness,” Dr. Gigit said. According to Dr. Gigit, two weeks after the initial bite, victims will start showing symptoms of severe mental disturbance such as unprovoked hugging and crying. “It will keep coming and going quickly, one minute she will hug you, the next she will scold and threaten to sue you,” he added. “Victims will also shout obscenities and nonsense for no apparent reason whenever they get close to microphone.

Additionally, the team also uncovered another similarly dangerous species. Named Aedes Isasis, the blood sucking mosquitoes are particularly resistant to harsh environment due to its diminutive size. The mosquitoes have been sucking the victims dry. "They usually come in a party," Dr. Gigit said. Researchers found that the mosquitoes will only stop if its ring leader stops sucking blood. “Transfusions will help, but we need to force the ring leader to quit,” Dr. Gigit said. He advised public to be particularly vigilant because unlike its cousins which cause fever, these two new species will either ‘drive you nuts or suck you dry’. “At least we can cure dengue fever,” he added.

To address the emergency situation Minister Chua is currently working around the clock with Nazri to setup a ministry with very small m to be headed by a minister with small m to eliminate mosquitoes with big M so that they don’t bug Dr. M with very big M. “The mosquitoes have been known to breed inside toilet bowls, so our new minister with small m will be given the task of cleaning the toiletS with small t and big S,” Nazri explained.

Elsewhere, responding to inability of a government minister to differentiate upper and lower cases, Hishamuddin yesterday announced that all ministers must sit through the next PMR for Bahasa and English papers. Additionally, Samy, Rafidah and Isa must also sit for math paper. “Their numbers don’t add up,” our source at Education said. To ensure that they all pass with flying colors, the exam papers will be made much easier than current papers. “If you think current exams are too easy, wait till next year,” Hisham said. “I will make sure it’ll be easier by then. We won’t stop until we achieve 100% As,” he added.

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Adjusting Lifestyle

Malaysians from all walks of life today obeyed PM’s call to change their lifestyle. All of the respondents interviewed by our correspondent agreed to change their lifestyle to show their loyalty to the government.

“I used to be straight, because my mummy wanted me to be straight, but now, I think it’s time to change,” Gay Tan said. Although not affected by the price increase, Nazri also promised to change. “I usually asked my son to beat people up, now I’m going to do that myself. I can save from his extra pocket money,” he said. Triple AP holder Abdul agreed to wait for at least six months to take a new wive. “I already have three wives, so after listening to Pak Lah, I asked my new girlfriend to wait for a while, until I get my fourth AP,” he said. Lim from Kepong also pitched in. “I used to take 30 minutes to walk to office, now I’m going to run and get there in 15,” he said. “That way, I can save more petrol money,” he added. “I used to eat twice a day, now I’m going to eat once a day. If not, Pak Lah will be very angry,” janitor Mamat said

Most analysts hailed the call as a brilliant move. “From what I can see, the budget bag looked really heavy,” Dr. Kaji bin Duit said. “If Pak Lah throws it at people, the impact will be really painful,” he added. Hospitals all over Malaysia are bracing for an outbreak of bodily injury cases in anticipation of the impact. Minister Chua asked all states to stock up on purple lotion and bandages. “What is purple lotion?” nurse Masih binti Ragu from Sungai Petani asked.

To avoid the pain, Minister Chua also asked people to make their houses and offices look foggy. “That way, Pak Lah cannot throw his bag at you,” he said. “If you can’t afford to fog, you can try burning some of the furniture, it will create the same visual effect,” he explained. A rehearsal in Putrajaya yesterday was hailed as a success.

Elsewhere, Nazri said that lowering azan volume is not an option. “Muslim men are tired after all night sessions with their teenage wives at that time. If not loud, how can they wake up?” he asked. “Some more, most of these people are too poor to own an alarm clock,” he added. When interviewed, Madam Lai said she is thankful for the early morning call. “My MP said either the azan or they’ll play a tape of Rafidah’s speech loudly,” she said in Kepong.

Missing Rafidah sighted

Days after her disappearance from the parliament, Rafidah was spotted yesterday in the state of Pahang. “It was dark, but I saw Rafidah with Ayah Pin,” witness Madam Chan said. “It’s definitely her. I can still remember the way she hugs,” she added.

When our correspondent arrived at the scene, the duo had been long gone. “They drove uphill,” Madam Chan said. The couple was later spotted by our correspondent in Genting Highlands theme park, near a popular ride. “Ever since they destroyed my theme park, I’ve been looking for suitable replacement,” King Pin said. “I think we just found one,” Rafidah added. “His favourite spot was the teapot, but for now, we’ll make do with the teacup ride,” she added.

According to our source close to the duo, the couple was recently married. “She is his consort No. 5. He gave her the Duchess of Cloud Nine title,” our source said. “I am old and lonely, my other consorts are not here right now,” King Pin explained. “I’ve always been closed to AP Kings, now I’m with King AP, it’s a dream come true,” she said. Rafidah added that she feels free now. “No one will scold me for hugging anymore,” she said. “In Sky Kingdom, you are free to hug. Actually, you are free to do much more,” King Pin added.

Meanwhile at Dewan Negara, MPs are scrambling to find Rafidah. “We put up posters. We also combed all the lakes around Putrajaya,” Najib said. A reality show is being planned to help track down the missing person. ‘Where in the world is Fidah Kuala Kangsar?’ will feature contestants who are following a series of clues to track down the missing minister and her new husband throughout the country. “It will be a hit, because it’s the only Malay reality show that features hugging,” Najib said. Open to all Malaysians who are MP or senator, the show also promise an AP for the winner. “They can take part only once, but those with nine lives can apply twice,” he added.

Malaysian legal system praised

Malaysian legal community was in jubilant mood after the acquittal of three murderers was announced yesterday. “We are really proud of the decision. That shows our judges can be like Lance Ito,” lawyer Law Ai Lui said. “It proves that justice can be served for rich people, not just for the poor,” she added.

Justices interviewed said that the acquittal shows that when it comes to law, Malaysia is already a developed nation. “We are even more advanced than America,” Fairuz said proudly. According to Fairuz, Malaysian acquittal is better because the decision was made by a highly qualified judge, rather than 12 people who don’t know law like in OJ Simpson’s case. Malaysia Book of Records is said to be looking into a category to record the achievement.

However, the jubilant mood was not shared by all quarters. “The case highlighted disparities among different police branches,” Prof. Pakar bin Jenayah from UM said. He pointed out that although sex-crime unit of PDRM is highly qualified and competent; its homicide unit is highly incompetent and sloppy. “Give them a mattress and they can tell you when and who had sex on it. They can also tell you whether the entry point was front or back, and even the style performed,” he explained. “But give them a dead body, a bunch of evidence and witnesses, and they will give you an acquittal,” he added.

The case was also hotly debated in the parliament. While responding to KitSiang’s motion on police competence, Nazri rejected it angrily. “If we have to setup committee for every issue, then I need to setup a committee to find out whether Uncle Don is the father of my son,” he screamed.

Elsewhere, the nurses of Sg. Petani hospital are entering their 3rd day of training in identifying human genitals. “I have never seen one before, that’s why until now I’m still not sure. I’m worried about the exam,” Nurse Masih binti Ragu said. The results of the training will be held for at least 30 days.

Customs employee nabbed

A joint investigation team comprises of PDRM, ACA and Customs personnel yesterday managed to pinpoint the culprit in the recent partying scandal at Customs agency. “Mamat the janitor finally admitted his deeds,” Bakri said from Bukit Aman. “He has been on the loose until now, but thankfully we have him now,” he added

"I only asked for RM50 to organize a cleaning party. Our toilets are smeared and dirty, so I asked my supervisor for the money to buy cleaning supplies,” Mamat confessed. “My supervisor told me I had to ask for RM500 for his okay,” he added. When interviewed, supervisor Ali acknowledged the event, but said, “You should investigate Mamat, I only said okay. I really don’t know head or tail. Some more my manager asked me to put in RM5,000 for his okay.”

Bakri clarified that the team employ a new investigative technique called the Okay method. “Halil came up with the method,” he said. According to Bakri, based on the method, the culprit is found right after the last person to say okay. “We confirmed that the top okay is worth RM5 million, but our main objective here is to get to the bottom of the scandal,” Bakri added. When interrogated, Janitor Mamat admitted that he received the RM50 he asked for. He is being held for further investigation.

Meanwhile, Halil lamented the high costs of organizing farewell bashes to his officers in Langkawi. “Things are so expensive nowadays, but farewell budget remains at RM5 million,” he said. “Old D-Gs got to organize their farewells overseas, we had to scramble to do it locally,” he lamented. He called on the government to look into the well being of the neglected Customs D-G. “Even Osu got to organize parties in London,” he pleaded.



According to Abdul Rahman of Customs, due to lack of farewell fund, the agency had to send all their officers out to solicit donations, hampering it from catching the smugglers. “We used to catch 1million a day, but this week we haven’t caught anything yet,” he added. “If they can give 10million for schools, they should give us more,” Abdul Rahman clarified.

Works Ministry tops corruption index

Refuting earlier newspaper report that construction industry is prone to corruption, Malaysian graft expert Prof Ada bin Rasuah from UM yesterday released his finding based on his year-long research on corruption in the government ministry. “Works ministry is the least corrupt Works ministry in Malaysia. That’s all I can say,” he declared. “They may even be the least corrupt ministry in the country,” he added. Citing federal law prohibiting university professors in divulging state secret, he declined to name other departments being surveyed.

“What I can also say is Samy is also the cleanest current Works minister in Malaysia. He told me he showers three times a day and I don’t want to end up like Ramasamy,” Ada added. The news was welcomed by relieved Samy. “I told you so. If you show me proof that anybody in my department is corrupt, I will personally choke the person to death,” he declared. Samy further added that Malaysians should feel lucky because his ministry is still cleaner that Works ministry of Indonesia. “Over there you have to pay for their drinks, here my people will pay you later,” he added. Prof. Ada also added that those who deal with Works ministry should feel lucky. “They only ask for todi, hair gels and ugly wigs. Some departments have been known to demand expensive keris for school renovation work,” he added.

To further show that the federal government is extremely serious in removing graft, Najib setup a Show-Me Proof center outside his office yesterday. “We will entertain people who can bring in the proof. After that, I am going to send ACA to arrest them,” he declared. The proof must include the actual money given, signed and chop receipt from the recipient, as well as videotape of the incident taking place. “They must also make 3 certified copies of the proof. Without those, we cannot do anything. Our hands are tied,” he said.

Najib added that corruption in Malaysia is almost non-existent. “No one can bring me the proof until now,” he said. Najib further instructed all ministries to set up the Show-Me Proof center throughout the country. When interviewed, our source in ACA said that the public needs to give concrete proof because it is not ACA’s job. “We can’t waste our budget chasing rumors. The proof from public must be beyond reasonable doubt,” he added.

Elsewhere, the thousand people who received free Star newspaper while buying football tickets couldn’t stop thanking the newspaper and the Perak FA. “Times are hard nowadays, and even RM100 isn’t much today,” lucky fan Rayan, said. “But I’m very grateful because I can save money on toilet paper. It really improves my living standard,” he added.

MSC blamed for power shortage

A day after being pounded for Malacca shortage, TNB today placed the blame squarely on MSC and cybercities for their woes. “They used too much electricity,” Leo said. “Why do they need the backup?” he asked. “Some more Cyberjaya is so boring, at least Kelantan still got fashion show,” he added. According to Leo, the Penang MSC sucked in more than 30% of all Tenaga available output. “And if you factor in corruption along the way, they can go as much as 50%,” he explained further.

To prevent further problem, hundreds of businesses were seen lining up to apply for MSC status yesterday. Ah Loong, owner of CyberBoss Nightclub told us that they can't operate without power supply. "Our girls can't change properly when they are done," he said.

With more cyberclubs and cybercities being planned, Leo further predicted that the shortage will worsen in the future. “I can’t cope when Malacca, Pahang and Perak come along,” he lamented. “We have to stop supplying to everybody else,” he added.

Speaking from New York, Pak Lah told eager investors that he expects candle industry to be booming in Malaysia in the next 10 years. “You guys should come here to make more candles. We really need them,” he told the money managers. One by one, the dream team members told the participants their plight during the last nationwide blackout. “I was having a meeting in Trade Ministry, I was caught in the dark, and someone very big hugged me. With candles, this wouldn’t have happened,” Tony said.

Both Rafidah and Isa Samad have been tapped to solve the shortage problem. “We need Rafidah. She has proven that nothing was short under her watch,” Najib said. Najib pointed to the constant flow of imported cars that are currently flooding the country. “We need to thank her for the great job she’s doing for the country and the economy. And believe me, she never got a single cent!” he added.

Leo further explained that Isa is being tapped to address the corruption issue currently ravaging TNB. “Pak Lah told us he’s the best local expert money can buy,” he added. According to energy expert, Prof. Kurang bin Tenaga from UM, in the coming days the electricity supply will face further shortage with Kelanistan joining the fray. As recently announced, the newly announced Republic of Kelanistan has agreed to buy electricity from TNB for their upcoming fashion show.

With hundred of Kelanistani men taking visiting KL models as their new wives, ahead of the upcoming Family Law enactment, the preparation of the show was thrown into chaos yesterday. “Lucky, we have Mawi,” Nik Aziz said. “Mawi will parade fashion instead of singing,” he added. With the men busy with their new wives, the show organizers expect to draw attendance from available first wives. “Husbands don’t need to come, their wives can tell them what to buy later,” Nik Aziz added. “Anyway, Mawi doesn’t know how to sing mainstream songs,” he added.

Elsewhere, thousands of KL Malay men were seen engaging in courses from Chinese experts on ways to keep mistress without getting married. “We learnt a lot of useful techniques including asset diversion, girls’ favorite things, etc.,” an unnamed participant said.