Old virgins seek help

Hundreds of old virgins aged between 30 to 45 were seen crowding outside the residence of Nik Aziz yesterday, hoping for the latter to help them in finding men who would take them as new wives. They came from all over Malaysia. "We only have one hope. I read his teaching yesterday and to me this is my only chance," said Belum binti Kawin, a 38-year-old from Mersing, Johor.

After waiting for hours, those virgins were later disappointed by the lack of enthusiasm from men who were gathering at the premise, forcing Nik Aziz to issue another statement. "Those virgin over 30 should stop dreaming. No men would want to marry them unless the women already have grandchildren," he said.

Nik Aziz echoed the prevailing sentiment of men around him. "We want virgins that are old enough, but not too old. Between 17 to 26 will be ideal," he added. According to Nik Gatal Nik Kawin, Sultan Bolkiah of Brunei is the kind of man that command his respect. "He came all the way to Malaysia to help putting the misery out of one of our virgins. He is taking one for the good of mankind," he said. He also commended the Brunei Queen. "She didn't pour acid on him," he clarified.

Upon losing their talent yet again to another celebrity marriage, TV3 earlier announced that they are going to stop recruiting young virgins and will concentrate on hiring old virgins instead. "Our turnover is way to high," Farid said. Effective immediately, all young and attractive TV3 personalities, virgins or otherwise, are required to put on an Afghani burqa when they are on air to prevent horny men from going after them.

Meanwhile, The Star newspaper today denied that they are being biased during the run-up to MCA election. "Jui Meng never asked us to take his picture," an unnamed editor said. "Ka Ting begged us all the time, so as paper that cares, we decided to print all his pictures instead," he added. Upon looking at the pictures, a dentist in KL has offered to adopt Ka Ting to fix his problem. Dentist Gigi binti Elok said that Ka Ting will be able to kiss properly within six months. When contacted, Wendy thanked the Star repeatedly. "I am looking forward to him fulfilling my needs," she said gratefully.