BKC Review

US keen on Malaysian model

2005-10-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

Stung by worldwide criticism over their inability to stabilize Iraq, the US yesterday turned to Malaysia to provide a model to be used in the Middle Eastern country. “We find that the Malaysian model can be used because people in this country live in harmony,” Karen Hughes said from Putrajaya yesterday.

The Shiite majority will be designated as new Iraqi ‘bumi’ whose privileges will be drawn up in a new contract that will be included in the constitution. “There will be no further discussion on the issue in the future as it will hurt the harmony,” Najib explained to eager Shiites yesterday. In addition to 7% discount on houses, the Shiites will receive preferential treatment in getting government reconstruction contracts. The Shiites will also be encouraged to apply for class F contractor licenses for small works projects throughout the country. “Peace comes with a price,” Najib further explained to rather despondent looking Sunnis and Kurdish minority representatives. He later asked Hisham to show the Iraqi PM the correct way to wave a keris. “Trust me, it works every time," Hisham told Ibrahim.

As the news of the new ruling spreads throughout the capital, thousands of Shiites were seen fighting for application forms to bid for contracts while the Sunnis and Kurds were busy trying to line up their Shiite ‘kaki’.

The new coalition government will also be led by the Shiite majority, with Sunnis being given portfolios of housing, health, transport while a Kurd will head the Works ministry. “In the spirit of gender equality, we also advised them to name an obese Shiite woman to head their international trade ministry,” Najib further added. “Better still if she is disabled, but they can also appoint someone with weak knees,” he clarified

In addition to the social contract, the Shiites will also be given all kinds of permits, including permits to import cars and to run Ramadan kiosks. “We have decided to give all of the Ramadan kiosks in Baghdad to the son of police chief,” explained Bagi al Kiosk, the officer in charge.

Also in Putrajaya, in order to prevent further attack on corrupt cabinet ministers, the cabinet today added itself to the endangered species list. Almost immediately, Kit Siang was fined RM 7,000 by parliament speaker for illegal poaching.

More mutated mosquitoes found

2005-10-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

The Health ministry today announced their latest findings from their month-long research on the dengue outbreak currently ravaging cities throughout the country. “We found two mutated species that are excessively hardy,” Chua said. According to the head of research team, Dr. Gigit bin Nyamuk from UM, the two types possess distinctive characteristics.

“They are still alive and kicking after repeated fogging and attacks. The first one we name Aedes Rafidahsis. It has a round and heavy body, with weak legs. That’s its only weakness,” Dr. Gigit said. According to Dr. Gigit, two weeks after the initial bite, victims will start showing symptoms of severe mental disturbance such as unprovoked hugging and crying. “It will keep coming and going quickly, one minute she will hug you, the next she will scold and threaten to sue you,” he added. “Victims will also shout obscenities and nonsense for no apparent reason whenever they get close to microphone.

Additionally, the team also uncovered another similarly dangerous species. Named Aedes Isasis, the blood sucking mosquitoes are particularly resistant to harsh environment due to its diminutive size. The mosquitoes have been sucking the victims dry. "They usually come in a party," Dr. Gigit said. Researchers found that the mosquitoes will only stop if its ring leader stops sucking blood. “Transfusions will help, but we need to force the ring leader to quit,” Dr. Gigit said. He advised public to be particularly vigilant because unlike its cousins which cause fever, these two new species will either ‘drive you nuts or suck you dry’. “At least we can cure dengue fever,” he added.

To address the emergency situation Minister Chua is currently working around the clock with Nazri to setup a ministry with very small m to be headed by a minister with small m to eliminate mosquitoes with big M so that they don’t bug Dr. M with very big M. “The mosquitoes have been known to breed inside toilet bowls, so our new minister with small m will be given the task of cleaning the toiletS with small t and big S,” Nazri explained.

Elsewhere, responding to inability of a government minister to differentiate upper and lower cases, Hishamuddin yesterday announced that all ministers must sit through the next PMR for Bahasa and English papers. Additionally, Samy, Rafidah and Isa must also sit for math paper. “Their numbers don’t add up,” our source at Education said. To ensure that they all pass with flying colors, the exam papers will be made much easier than current papers. “If you think current exams are too easy, wait till next year,” Hisham said. “I will make sure it’ll be easier by then. We won’t stop until we achieve 100% As,” he added.

Past related posts
Missing Rafidah Sighted
Liverpool Signed Rafidah

Adjusting Lifestyle

2005-09-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

Malaysians from all walks of life today obeyed PM’s call to change their lifestyle. All of the respondents interviewed by our correspondent agreed to change their lifestyle to show their loyalty to the government.

“I used to be straight, because my mummy wanted me to be straight, but now, I think it’s time to change,” Gay Tan said. Although not affected by the price increase, Nazri also promised to change. “I usually asked my son to beat people up, now I’m going to do that myself. I can save from his extra pocket money,” he said. Triple AP holder Abdul agreed to wait for at least six months to take a new wive. “I already have three wives, so after listening to Pak Lah, I asked my new girlfriend to wait for a while, until I get my fourth AP,” he said. Lim from Kepong also pitched in. “I used to take 30 minutes to walk to office, now I’m going to run and get there in 15,” he said. “That way, I can save more petrol money,” he added. “I used to eat twice a day, now I’m going to eat once a day. If not, Pak Lah will be very angry,” janitor Mamat said

Most analysts hailed the call as a brilliant move. “From what I can see, the budget bag looked really heavy,” Dr. Kaji bin Duit said. “If Pak Lah throws it at people, the impact will be really painful,” he added. Hospitals all over Malaysia are bracing for an outbreak of bodily injury cases in anticipation of the impact. Minister Chua asked all states to stock up on purple lotion and bandages. “What is purple lotion?” nurse Masih binti Ragu from Sungai Petani asked.

To avoid the pain, Minister Chua also asked people to make their houses and offices look foggy. “That way, Pak Lah cannot throw his bag at you,” he said. “If you can’t afford to fog, you can try burning some of the furniture, it will create the same visual effect,” he explained. A rehearsal in Putrajaya yesterday was hailed as a success.

Elsewhere, Nazri said that lowering azan volume is not an option. “Muslim men are tired after all night sessions with their teenage wives at that time. If not loud, how can they wake up?” he asked. “Some more, most of these people are too poor to own an alarm clock,” he added. When interviewed, Madam Lai said she is thankful for the early morning call. “My MP said either the azan or they’ll play a tape of Rafidah’s speech loudly,” she said in Kepong.

Missing Rafidah sighted

2005-09-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

Days after her disappearance from the parliament, Rafidah was spotted yesterday in the state of Pahang. “It was dark, but I saw Rafidah with Ayah Pin,” witness Madam Chan said. “It’s definitely her. I can still remember the way she hugs,” she added.

When our correspondent arrived at the scene, the duo had been long gone. “They drove uphill,” Madam Chan said. The couple was later spotted by our correspondent in Genting Highlands theme park, near a popular ride. “Ever since they destroyed my theme park, I’ve been looking for suitable replacement,” King Pin said. “I think we just found one,” Rafidah added. “His favourite spot was the teapot, but for now, we’ll make do with the teacup ride,” she added.

According to our source close to the duo, the couple was recently married. “She is his consort No. 5. He gave her the Duchess of Cloud Nine title,” our source said. “I am old and lonely, my other consorts are not here right now,” King Pin explained. “I’ve always been closed to AP Kings, now I’m with King AP, it’s a dream come true,” she said. Rafidah added that she feels free now. “No one will scold me for hugging anymore,” she said. “In Sky Kingdom, you are free to hug. Actually, you are free to do much more,” King Pin added.

Meanwhile at Dewan Negara, MPs are scrambling to find Rafidah. “We put up posters. We also combed all the lakes around Putrajaya,” Najib said. A reality show is being planned to help track down the missing person. ‘Where in the world is Fidah Kuala Kangsar?’ will feature contestants who are following a series of clues to track down the missing minister and her new husband throughout the country. “It will be a hit, because it’s the only Malay reality show that features hugging,” Najib said. Open to all Malaysians who are MP or senator, the show also promise an AP for the winner. “They can take part only once, but those with nine lives can apply twice,” he added.

Malaysian legal system praised

2005-09-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

Malaysian legal community was in jubilant mood after the acquittal of three murderers was announced yesterday. “We are really proud of the decision. That shows our judges can be like Lance Ito,” lawyer Law Ai Lui said. “It proves that justice can be served for rich people, not just for the poor,” she added.

Justices interviewed said that the acquittal shows that when it comes to law, Malaysia is already a developed nation. “We are even more advanced than America,” Fairuz said proudly. According to Fairuz, Malaysian acquittal is better because the decision was made by a highly qualified judge, rather than 12 people who don’t know law like in OJ Simpson’s case. Malaysia Book of Records is said to be looking into a category to record the achievement.

However, the jubilant mood was not shared by all quarters. “The case highlighted disparities among different police branches,” Prof. Pakar bin Jenayah from UM said. He pointed out that although sex-crime unit of PDRM is highly qualified and competent; its homicide unit is highly incompetent and sloppy. “Give them a mattress and they can tell you when and who had sex on it. They can also tell you whether the entry point was front or back, and even the style performed,” he explained. “But give them a dead body, a bunch of evidence and witnesses, and they will give you an acquittal,” he added.

The case was also hotly debated in the parliament. While responding to KitSiang’s motion on police competence, Nazri rejected it angrily. “If we have to setup committee for every issue, then I need to setup a committee to find out whether Uncle Don is the father of my son,” he screamed.

Elsewhere, the nurses of Sg. Petani hospital are entering their 3rd day of training in identifying human genitals. “I have never seen one before, that’s why until now I’m still not sure. I’m worried about the exam,” Nurse Masih binti Ragu said. The results of the training will be held for at least 30 days.

Customs employee nabbed

2005-09-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

A joint investigation team comprises of PDRM, ACA and Customs personnel yesterday managed to pinpoint the culprit in the recent partying scandal at Customs agency. “Mamat the janitor finally admitted his deeds,” Bakri said from Bukit Aman. “He has been on the loose until now, but thankfully we have him now,” he added

"I only asked for RM50 to organize a cleaning party. Our toilets are smeared and dirty, so I asked my supervisor for the money to buy cleaning supplies,” Mamat confessed. “My supervisor told me I had to ask for RM500 for his okay,” he added. When interviewed, supervisor Ali acknowledged the event, but said, “You should investigate Mamat, I only said okay. I really don’t know head or tail. Some more my manager asked me to put in RM5,000 for his okay.”

Bakri clarified that the team employ a new investigative technique called the Okay method. “Halil came up with the method,” he said. According to Bakri, based on the method, the culprit is found right after the last person to say okay. “We confirmed that the top okay is worth RM5 million, but our main objective here is to get to the bottom of the scandal,” Bakri added. When interrogated, Janitor Mamat admitted that he received the RM50 he asked for. He is being held for further investigation.

Meanwhile, Halil lamented the high costs of organizing farewell bashes to his officers in Langkawi. “Things are so expensive nowadays, but farewell budget remains at RM5 million,” he said. “Old D-Gs got to organize their farewells overseas, we had to scramble to do it locally,” he lamented. He called on the government to look into the well being of the neglected Customs D-G. “Even Osu got to organize parties in London,” he pleaded.

According to Abdul Rahman of Customs, due to lack of farewell fund, the agency had to send all their officers out to solicit donations, hampering it from catching the smugglers. “We used to catch 1million a day, but this week we haven’t caught anything yet,” he added. “If they can give 10million for schools, they should give us more,” Abdul Rahman clarified.

Works Ministry tops corruption index

2005-09-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

Refuting earlier newspaper report that construction industry is prone to corruption, Malaysian graft expert Prof Ada bin Rasuah from UM yesterday released his finding based on his year-long research on corruption in the government ministry. “Works ministry is the least corrupt Works ministry in Malaysia. That’s all I can say,” he declared. “They may even be the least corrupt ministry in the country,” he added. Citing federal law prohibiting university professors in divulging state secret, he declined to name other departments being surveyed.

“What I can also say is Samy is also the cleanest current Works minister in Malaysia. He told me he showers three times a day and I don’t want to end up like Ramasamy,” Ada added. The news was welcomed by relieved Samy. “I told you so. If you show me proof that anybody in my department is corrupt, I will personally choke the person to death,” he declared. Samy further added that Malaysians should feel lucky because his ministry is still cleaner that Works ministry of Indonesia. “Over there you have to pay for their drinks, here my people will pay you later,” he added. Prof. Ada also added that those who deal with Works ministry should feel lucky. “They only ask for todi, hair gels and ugly wigs. Some departments have been known to demand expensive keris for school renovation work,” he added.

To further show that the federal government is extremely serious in removing graft, Najib setup a Show-Me Proof center outside his office yesterday. “We will entertain people who can bring in the proof. After that, I am going to send ACA to arrest them,” he declared. The proof must include the actual money given, signed and chop receipt from the recipient, as well as videotape of the incident taking place. “They must also make 3 certified copies of the proof. Without those, we cannot do anything. Our hands are tied,” he said.

Najib added that corruption in Malaysia is almost non-existent. “No one can bring me the proof until now,” he said. Najib further instructed all ministries to set up the Show-Me Proof center throughout the country. When interviewed, our source in ACA said that the public needs to give concrete proof because it is not ACA’s job. “We can’t waste our budget chasing rumors. The proof from public must be beyond reasonable doubt,” he added.

Elsewhere, the thousand people who received free Star newspaper while buying football tickets couldn’t stop thanking the newspaper and the Perak FA. “Times are hard nowadays, and even RM100 isn’t much today,” lucky fan Rayan, said. “But I’m very grateful because I can save money on toilet paper. It really improves my living standard,” he added.

MSC blamed for power shortage

2005-09-15T00:45:00.000-07:00

A day after being pounded for Malacca shortage, TNB today placed the blame squarely on MSC and cybercities for their woes. “They used too much electricity,” Leo said. “Why do they need the backup?” he asked. “Some more Cyberjaya is so boring, at least Kelantan still got fashion show,” he added. According to Leo, the Penang MSC sucked in more than 30% of all Tenaga available output. “And if you factor in corruption along the way, they can go as much as 50%,” he explained further.

To prevent further problem, hundreds of businesses were seen lining up to apply for MSC status yesterday. Ah Loong, owner of CyberBoss Nightclub told us that they can't operate without power supply. "Our girls can't change properly when they are done," he said.

With more cyberclubs and cybercities being planned, Leo further predicted that the shortage will worsen in the future. “I can’t cope when Malacca, Pahang and Perak come along,” he lamented. “We have to stop supplying to everybody else,” he added.

Speaking from New York, Pak Lah told eager investors that he expects candle industry to be booming in Malaysia in the next 10 years. “You guys should come here to make more candles. We really need them,” he told the money managers. One by one, the dream team members told the participants their plight during the last nationwide blackout. “I was having a meeting in Trade Ministry, I was caught in the dark, and someone very big hugged me. With candles, this wouldn’t have happened,” Tony said.

Both Rafidah and Isa Samad have been tapped to solve the shortage problem. “We need Rafidah. She has proven that nothing was short under her watch,” Najib said. Najib pointed to the constant flow of imported cars that are currently flooding the country. “We need to thank her for the great job she’s doing for the country and the economy. And believe me, she never got a single cent!” he added.

Leo further explained that Isa is being tapped to address the corruption issue currently ravaging TNB. “Pak Lah told us he’s the best local expert money can buy,” he added. According to energy expert, Prof. Kurang bin Tenaga from UM, in the coming days the electricity supply will face further shortage with Kelanistan joining the fray. As recently announced, the newly announced Republic of Kelanistan has agreed to buy electricity from TNB for their upcoming fashion show.

With hundred of Kelanistani men taking visiting KL models as their new wives, ahead of the upcoming Family Law enactment, the preparation of the show was thrown into chaos yesterday. “Lucky, we have Mawi,” Nik Aziz said. “Mawi will parade fashion instead of singing,” he added. With the men busy with their new wives, the show organizers expect to draw attendance from available first wives. “Husbands don’t need to come, their wives can tell them what to buy later,” Nik Aziz added. “Anyway, Mawi doesn’t know how to sing mainstream songs,” he added.

Elsewhere, thousands of KL Malay men were seen engaging in courses from Chinese experts on ways to keep mistress without getting married. “We learnt a lot of useful techniques including asset diversion, girls’ favorite things, etc.,” an unnamed participant said.

MSC for Perlis

2005-09-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

In a move to make Malaysia the first developed state within OIC by 2020, Pak Lah today announced MSC status for the state of Perlis. Coming just one day after the Penang MSC, the move was hailed as tremendous achievement that shows the true spirit of Malaysia boleh. “If we keep on awarding MSC to one state everyday, we will be a developed country by the end of next week,” Najib said proudly.

The Perlis MSC aims to turn the northern state into the marriage supercenter of OIC countries. “I went to Thailand and saw so many Arabs there getting married,” Shahidan said. “Some couldn’t get married and ended up khalwating everywhere. With the setup in Perlis, all these Arabs can get married in Kangar,” he added. The progress in Kangar so far is miraculous. “Now we have 200 Marry the Second Centers. By next month, I am going to approve 300 more,” he added. Shahidan further added that these centers will not be ‘wired’ so that couples can also do it there and then. “Electricity will encourage peeping toms,” he explained.

Meanwhile at PSD, Ismail further clarified that although sexual bribes are illegal, department heads can still cajole their employees to marry them while in the office as long as they get consent from their current wives. “But if you and your employees are in Perlis, then you don’t need the consent,” he explained to eager government servants. In support of PM’s call to limit overseas study tours, thousands of government employees were petitioning to conduct study tours to Kangar instead. “We want to have hands-on experience on the MSC in Kangar,” Banyak bin Istri from PM’s department said.

Also in Kangar, Neil Armstrong yesterday acknowledged that he decided to come to Perlis upon hearing voices while he was on the moon 36 years ago. “There was this boom and then this voice told me to take small steps to Perlis without telling my wife,” he explained.

Elsewhere, Pak Lah explained that Isa Samad is needed by the cabinet to fight corruption. “We need someone who is an expert and stays one step ahead of the corrupt people,” he explained. “With Isa there, I am very confident because he is always 3 steps ahead when it comes to corruption,” he added.

Rafidah charged with harassment

2005-09-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

Rafidah today became the first ever government servant charged on sexual harassment based on the ruling issued by PSD yesterday. Following a sensational complaint launched by Dr. M to Suhakam, PSD was forced to investigate and apparently their findings are significant enough for the department to press charges. “We managed to gather proof,” Ismail said.

According to our source, Dr. M told Suhakam that his right as a common citizen was violated when Rafidah hugged him recently. “She is a terrorist. I was just doing my business, and then this big pile came, unopposed and dropped herself on me,” he related his ordeal. “Who is the terrorist? The person hugging or the person hugged?” he asked.

Dr. M further added that the government should not practice multiple standards. One for male ministers, one for female ministers and one for helpless citizens like him. Dr. M further requested Suhakam to reinstate his human right to oppress people. “When I stepped down, they took away that right. I really miss it,” he said. “At least let me use ISA on Kit Siang again,” he pleaded. As an organization that looks after everybody’s human rights, Suhakam promised to look into Dr. M’s situation. “As long as someone’s human rights are violated, we will be there to help,” Hamdan clarified. Our source told us that Suhakam is also looking into Saddam’s human right to beat up and kill Iraqi people.

Meanwhile, Hishamuddin announced that Khairy is the winner in the recent Malaysian father debate. Held in a secret room at PWTC, the debate pitted Khairy against picture of Kit Siang, which was unable to offer any rebuttal to Khairy’s claim. “We didn’t invite Kit Siang because we realize that he can actually talk back,” Hisham explained. “But a win is a win, and this victory really boosted Khairy’s confidence,” he added. Our source at UMNO youth told us that Khairy also issued a challenge to Kit Siang to a debate on who his real father is. Kit Siang declined the challenge by saying that he’s not Khairy’s mother.

Proton unveiled new strategy

2005-09-05T02:44:00.000-07:00

Proton earlier today unveiled their latest strategy aimed to reverse the continuously declining sales. The move was said to personify the spirit of Melayu boleh. “We are changing the logo to keris, all our salesmen will have keris too,” Azlan said. “They will wave the keris at prospective buyers, making sure they buy on the spot,” he added. Azlan further predicted that Proton sales will at least double this year. Although described by some analysts as unusual, Proton insiders hailed the strategy as ‘total breakthrough’.

Azlan thanked Proton’s newly appointed advisor, Hishamuddin, for his brilliant idea. “He will single handedly pull us out of this big hole,” Azlan said. Our source in Proton revealed that the company is going to open thousands of branches in China and India soon. “Our advisor told us that the strategy works particularly well on Chinese and Indians,” the source added. “With advisor like this, who needs a CEO?” our source asked. Proton said that they will continue the keris waving strategy until the company achieves at least 30% market share in both China and India.

“Their product is top-notch, their design is second to none, their quality is world class,” Hishamuddin said. “The only problem is in the sales and marketing strategy,” he added. “We don’t need foreign CEO and advisors to tell us. We have proven a proven strategy that has worked for generations,” he stressed further.

Praising the move, Najib hailed Proton as a true Glocal company. "They applied what works locally to the global stage. All companies must emulate them," he said.

While the search of the new CEO is said to be ongoing, Proton is also said to be working on a major strategy to get people to come to its showrooms. A visit to a local Proton showroom yesterday revealed that most of the time the salesmen were waving their keris at each other. As of yesterday, among those identified as possible CEO are Abubakar the janitor, Ali the security guard, and Amat the cook. All have worked for exactly 12 years in the company. They are also said to be very experienced.

Elsewhere, upon hearing that some of Katrina’s victims are going to board cruise ships as temporary shelter, former tsunami survivors said that they are really grateful to be Malaysians. “The money is not here yet, but at least we don’t have to be boat people,” Masih bin Basah said.

Looking from Asian Perspective

2005-09-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

Najib’s hope that the launching of Center of Malay studies at the Beijing Foreign Studies University will provide fresh understandings of the Malays became reality yesterday. Thousands of China dolls were seen lining up to register for seats in the newly created Malay studies department at the university yesterday.

According to 20-year-old XiuXiu, who registered for Understanding of Malay Men course, even the course syllabus has given her new valuable insights she needed badly. “I didn’t know they like women so much,” she said. Based on the brochure, the courses will be able to provide her a much better understanding on the Malay men, which she vows to put into practice the next time she comes to KL again. “Last time, someone told me that they eat people, so I ended up with some smelly Chinese Ahpeks who don’t shower,” she said. “The Ahpeks were so stingy,” she added. XiuXiu further clarified that based on her new understanding, Malay men are not cannibals and definitely not stingy but lazy. “It’s fine, if they pay more, I will do all the work,” she said.

Echoing XiuXiu’s comments, Prof. Wu said that based on his scholarly research, the only way to solve the Malay problems is to give them more money and discount on houses. “Maybe you should put it into a contract,” he advised Hishamuddin.

Elsewhere, MCA central committee members confirmed that they unanimously recommended Ka Chuan to be the secretary general. "If not, his brother would be very angry," an unnamed member said.

Malaysian spaceman found

2005-08-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

After an exhaustive 2-day search, Khir yesterday announced that Selangor has found their man for the mission to the moon. "We will send him there this year, 15 years ahead of schedule," he announced proudly from Shah Alam yesterday. According to Khir, the achievement further proof that Selangor is already a developed state.

Inspired by Hishamuddin's call not to rely on foreigner, Khir launched a search team to find Malaysian who can fly. "We heard that Hang Tuah's descendent is living somewhere in Selangor," he said. Hang Tahu demonstrated his ability to fly to a bunch of exco members from outside their new Bungalows yesterday. "We are going to give him an oxygen tank and a goodie bag containing nasi lemak, roti canai, teh tarik and ayam madu, and he can fly straight to the moon after that," Khir added. "It will be cheaper than crossing the Penang Bridge," he added. "I am the only one to have the flying ability in the family," the thankful Hang Tahu said. "He hasn't eaten in 3 days," his father, Hang Tauh said.

Meanwhile, the search for the next Cosmonaut got into final stage yesterday. According to Anatoly the Russian expert, the remaining 12 candidates are now required to sit still for at least 48 hours. "We need to make sure the guy doesn't touch anything during the flight," he said. 60-year-old hopeful Terbang bin Bulan was the first guy to get kicked out yesterday after he touched the launch button within the first minute. "It looked like a nipple," he said.

Anatoly added that as a load specialist, the Malaysian will play an extremely crucial role, especially during the docking to the International space station. "We need his weight to balance the spaceship," he added. When interviewed yesterday in Baikanur, Russia, mission commander Cosmonaut Flytov Moonov expressed his joy over the Malaysian mission. He thanked Malaysia for making his mission easier. "Originally, we were supposed to study the effect of weightlessness on Bubbles the chimpanzee," he said. "Now I am told to study the effect of weightlessness on a Malaysian," he added.

In another development, Najib said that the future cosmonaut will have to pay fuel surcharge required for the launch. "He needs to pay at least RM 5 million. He has to understand that government cannot subsidize this kind of useless activities," Najib said.

Gerakan’s image ruined in one week

2005-08-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

In an admission that shocks the whole world, Keng Yiak today admitted that the image of his party is ruined. “Our image as a party of really really old people has been damaged by those irresponsible few who talk about succession,” he told the press yesterday. “It took me more than 30 years to build the image, and now it’s gone in a week,” he lamented.

However, he doesn’t think that the problem is irrepairable. “We listen to the PM and I already put in place changes that will nurse the party back to its original image,” he added.

According to Lim, in the upcoming election Gerakan members can choose 2x19 or 19x2 formula that he put forward. “You can either choose 2 terms of 19 years or 19 terms of 2 years for me to be your president,” he explained. Under both plans, Lim will lead Gerakan until he is well over 120 years old. Lively debates were seen among Gerakan members over the choices. “I don’t know what to choose, both options look so good,” Koh said.

To further burnish the image, Keng Yiak is adopting an English name for the first time in his life. “From now on, you can call me Dinasaur Lim,” he declared. Sources close to him told your correspondent that Lim was inspired by a singer named Fish. He urged Gerakan members to adopt animal names too. Almost instantaneously, Koh announced that his name is now Crocodile Koh. Kerk refused to follow the lead by saying that he doesn’t know any English animals.

Heeding the call of the PM, Lim and Kerk are now going to fight for Siew Siew the Penang Singer instead. The campaign for Siew Siew got under way with much fanfare yesterday. “I want her to know how stupid Kerk is. He is an idiot, and I am a bit smarter than him. She must marry me, we are an item,” he told the press in Penang yesterday. Lim also promised free electricity to his future in-laws. “If not, I will make sure their neighborhood suffer blackout everyday,” Lim added..

Taking a break between songs while singing for hungry ghosts, confused Siew Siew said that it’s hard for her to make up her mind. “If I choose Lim or Kerk, can I also keep Koh?” she asked.

Both candidates said that they are inspired to run for the singer after seeing how successful Azmi is with Normala. “If old hack like him can get her, sure young man like me can win Siew Siew,” Lim added. He provided further proof of his fitness by walking 5 steps to the podium unassisted. A relieved Pak Lah blessed the move and reminded Lim to always cleanup after he is done. “Don’t be so dirty,” Pak Lah lectured.

Elsewhere, responding to recent call by Ka Ting to include Chinese in Telecommunication sector, Hishamuddin yesterday held up his keris and said that the request is not necessary as the Chinese have already controlled the retail market of cheap hands-free sets and mobile casings. Ka Ting responded by saying, “OK loh, just ask only mah.”

New 'Tak Nak' campaign launched

2005-08-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

In a dramatic move that amount to admission of defeat, Chua announced that they are abandoning the Tak Nak campaign and switch to the New Tak Nak instead. “We realized the campaign is a total failure. People saw the billboards and thought that they are pretty cute,” Chua said from Putrajaya yesterday.

According to study by smoke and haze experts from UPM, the API wouldn’t have reached 500 a few weeks ago had people stopped smoking then. Indon haze contributed to a reading of 300. The rest can be traced to smoke coming out of Azrinaz’s house.

According to Chua, an in-depth study by Professor Asap bin Api of UM and a bunch of mat salleh advisors from the PM’s office concluded that girls, especially Malays, pick up smoking because they are stressed. All said they are being harassed all the time by dirty old men. While older women, especially Chinese, have to resort to smoking because their husbands are crazy over China dolls.

“We have to get to the root cause of the problem,” Chua stressed. In the new campaign, girls are encouraged to say TAK NAK to all the dirty old men that approach them. “Never let an old man talk dirty to you,” Chua lectured all Malaysian girls. The department is still trying to figure out what to do with China dolls. “Maybe we can start inflatable dolls campaign,” Chua wondered.

The campaign received a major boost by initial TAK NAK response from Normala over Azmi’s advances. But her resistance crumbled after she talked to Chua and Pak Lah. “The campaign only targets young girls, she doesn’t have to participate,” Chua clarified. From her house, Normala today said that she reluctantly agreed to marry Azmi because her children need a grandfather figure in the house.

The New Tak Nak campaign was violently opposed by coalition of Nik Aziz and an unnamed Sultan from Brunei. They were seen organizing “Nak, Anakku” campaign yesterday.

In related news, after a quick poll taken among its members, the Cabinet yesterday decided to keep 14-pack cigarette in the market. “We find that 14-pack provides the best shape when it is slipped under teenage girls bras. 20-pack makes it look too big like Anna Nicole Smith, while the 10-pack is too small,” Chua added. “Starting next year, we are banning 10-pack because it’s useless,” he clarified.

Night club owner threatened by sms

2005-08-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

Loong Kor, the underworld leader of KL who owns a number of nightclubs yesterday checked in to Bukit Aman to make a police report and request protection from thousands of MCA members who are harassing him.

According to our source, his brother, a staunch supporter of Ka Ting bet heavily on his favorite horse. In trying to steer the outcome, his brother ‘borrowed’ the mobile phone and used it to send thousands of sms to MCA electorate that reads ‘Vote Ka Ting, got nice girl waiting for you, sure special wan. From Loong Kor, Nightclub King’. The message reached voting members in time to vote his favorite in.

Thousands of MCA members are now sending him messages every minute to ask for their reward. Everybody who received the message now claims that they voted for Ka Ting, “They keep asking me, when I can arrange their sessions. But how to arrange for 2400 sessions?” he asked. “Pity my girls, for sure they cannot tahan,” he added.

According to Loong Kor, in addition to Ka Ting who claimed that he voted for himself, Jui Meng also came forward to claim that he voted for his opponent. “I got Loong Kor’s message, I quickly sms my gang members to vote for Ka Ting,” Jui Meng said. “But I didn’t have enough time, 800+ didn’t get my direction in time,” he added. Party observers interviewed all agreed that this is the most unified MCA bunch ever.

“Before this, they couldn’t even agree on dinner menu,” said Dr. Ma Hua, from UM Dept. of Malaysian Chinese History. “Hard to imagine that one sms can unite the whole party,” he added.

Hundreds of MCA members jostled outside Loong’s club yesterday for their reward. Some are demanding a re-vote if Loong Kor renege on his promise. “If he doesn’t give us what he promised, I am going to demand another election,” said Michael Chong. “Our real voice has to be heard,” he added.

Meanwhile, responding to recent annexation of English language by Hishamuddin, Tony Blair yesterday went to the UN to ask for a resolution to condemn Malaysia for stealing his language. “I am adding him into the Axis of Burglars list,” Blair added.

Old virgins seek help

2005-08-22T02:21:00.000-07:00

Hundreds of old virgins aged between 30 to 45 were seen crowding outside the residence of Nik Aziz yesterday, hoping for the latter to help them in finding men who would take them as new wives. They came from all over Malaysia. "We only have one hope. I read his teaching yesterday and to me this is my only chance," said Belum binti Kawin, a 38-year-old from Mersing, Johor.

After waiting for hours, those virgins were later disappointed by the lack of enthusiasm from men who were gathering at the premise, forcing Nik Aziz to issue another statement. "Those virgin over 30 should stop dreaming. No men would want to marry them unless the women already have grandchildren," he said.

Nik Aziz echoed the prevailing sentiment of men around him. "We want virgins that are old enough, but not too old. Between 17 to 26 will be ideal," he added. According to Nik Gatal Nik Kawin, Sultan Bolkiah of Brunei is the kind of man that command his respect. "He came all the way to Malaysia to help putting the misery out of one of our virgins. He is taking one for the good of mankind," he said. He also commended the Brunei Queen. "She didn't pour acid on him," he clarified.

Upon losing their talent yet again to another celebrity marriage, TV3 earlier announced that they are going to stop recruiting young virgins and will concentrate on hiring old virgins instead. "Our turnover is way to high," Farid said. Effective immediately, all young and attractive TV3 personalities, virgins or otherwise, are required to put on an Afghani burqa when they are on air to prevent horny men from going after them.

Meanwhile, The Star newspaper today denied that they are being biased during the run-up to MCA election. "Jui Meng never asked us to take his picture," an unnamed editor said. "Ka Ting begged us all the time, so as paper that cares, we decided to print all his pictures instead," he added. Upon looking at the pictures, a dentist in KL has offered to adopt Ka Ting to fix his problem. Dentist Gigi binti Elok said that Ka Ting will be able to kiss properly within six months. When contacted, Wendy thanked the Star repeatedly. "I am looking forward to him fulfilling my needs," she said gratefully.

Liverpool signed Rafidah

2005-08-15T02:07:00.000-07:00

Weeks of speculation finally comes to an end with Malaysia finally agreed to let Rafidah go to join Premiership outfit Liverpool in a super secret transfer negotiation that concluded last night in Putrajaya.

The move was seen as win-win solution for all parties, allowing Pak Lah to solve the biggest crisis in his tenure so far, while for Benitez, this is a real coup since they have been searching for wobbly legs for decades. “Ever since Grobelaar, no one was able to command such authority in the goal for Liverpool,” he said. “Dudek has been good, but he’s just not wobbly enough,” Rafa added. According to Parry of Liverpool, their Malaysian scout from Carlsberg beer forwarded them the whole fall out saga involving Rafidah. “We saw with our own eyes how wobbly she was during the trial, and we are satisfied,” Rafa added.

Captain Gerrard hailed the move as the signing of the century. “Now we have the person with real authority, we’ve been looking all this time for her. Can’t believe she’s in Malaysia all this time,” he added.

According to Pak Lah, this explains Rafidah’s disappearance from cabinet meetings recently. “Liverpool begged us not to tell anyone. They don’t want Abramovich to come in and steal her,” he added. Pak Lah went on to apologize to the media for misleading them with the MC story. “I know it was lame, but we just couldn’t say much,” he said sheepishly.

The deal is now subject to work permit approval, which may be tricky since Rafidah never played football before in her life. “But we’re not worried, she already has lots of Approved permits,” Manager Benitez explained during the press conference yesterday. As part of the deal, Liverpool will ditch Carlsberg and put Dr. M’s mug shot on their jerseys instead. Beaming Rafidah said she’s proud of wearing that jersey, since she always has Dr. M in her heart.

Pak Lah: We are very tired

2005-02-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

In an extremely rare public admission, Pak Lah yesterday conceded that the cabinet is exhausted and overworked. “We have so many things to decide, we are totally bogged down,” he said. In addition to big cabinet level decisions like the toll fine and TNB refund issues, Cabinet members also have to decide on snack and lunch menu for their daily meeting, as well as the color of the table cloth. “It’s mind boggling,” he added.

According to our source in the cabinet, lately the problem is compounded because January and February are also known as the study tour months. “Most of the government buildings in Putrajaya are empty because all the civil servants are on study tours,” said our source. Armsterdam appears to be the most favorite followed by Las Vegas. Pattaya is popular among most low-level employees.

Our source also added that it is possible that Pak Lah may reshuffle the cabinet because most of the members are really tired. “Minister Lim has to do household chores most of the time, so he is definitely a candidate for replacement,” said our unnamed source. Pak Lah may replace him with Mrs. Lim because she came across as very knowledgeable in power issues. “She has the real power,” Najib concurred with Pak Lah.

It is a rare move to fill the cabinet with non-MPs, but the government wants to be flexible, since most of the MPs are not available due to their educational commitment. Strong candidates include Ali Rustam from Malacca, whom Pak Lah wants to tap for Education Ministry due to his expertise in study tours. Bahri from PJ will also experience a meteoric rise in his career for his ability to spot activities with healing power. He is slated to take over the Health Ministry.

For his insistence in spraying a giant plastic mosquito rather than real Aedes, Minister Chua is going to be moved to transport. His action was credited for mass exodus of Aedes mosquitoes that got scared after witnessing the event.

Meanwhile, Azmi Khalid announced that if the ‘Operasi Pujok-Pujok’ doesn’t work, he will copy Minister Chua to scare off the Indonesians. “I am going to spray a giant plastic Indonesian man with Baygon,” he told the press. Tens of thousands of Indonesians are seen voluntarily leaving their jobs to join unemployment ranks in their country. “They are very persuasive,” said Kurniawan. “I agreed to leave even before the counselor opened his mouth,” he added.

Khalid: Only ex-illegals, please

2005-01-28T04:51:00.000-08:00

In an unprecedented move to be nice to illegal Indonesians, the Home Ministry yesterday announced that only ex-illegals can apply to work in this country for the next 3 months. “Those guys who never came here before illegally don’t need to apply, also we don’t want those who never broke the law,” Azmi said from Putrajaya yesterday. The hastily announced initiative is named ‘Malaysia My Second Chance’ program. The program was launched in conjunction with the launching of ‘Sayanglah Pendatang Haram’ campaign.

Khalid also asked those who need maids to hire ex-illegals as well. “We are not going to process maid applications since there are enough illegals to fill up all houses in this country,” he added. He also urged the public to be nice to the ex-illegals and bring them to their houses with open arms. “We must also smile a lot to them,” added Pak Lah while launching ‘Marilah Senyum’ campaign. BKC correspondents observed that lines in government offices were longer than usual today, government officers were seen doing nothing but smiling at the citizens who were waiting. “Pak Lah only told us to smile,” a government officer said.

In another development, the death of road bullies’ victim proved that Malaysians in Subang Jaya are indeed a caring lot. “We saw blood and decided not to take him to hospital because we really care for our cars,” said an unnamed man. “Anyway, it is policemen’s job. They have to be nice and serve the rakyat,” he added.

Separately, TNB yesterday announced that the recent blackout was caused by lack of maintenance at a sub-station in Shah Alam. “We sent engineers there regularly, but he ended up going to the wrong sub-station,” Moggie said. “The engineer ended up fixing VCD copier instead,” he added. However, TNB denied any claims of negligence. “We did send the engineer regularly,” he clarified. Minister Lim is currently working on the proposal to get the poor engineer to pay for the rebates. “He and his next generations can pay it off,” Lim added.

Mortgage for generations

2005-01-27T04:28:00.000-08:00

Encouraged by recent revelations that many children can earn up to RM 30K per month, Malaysian government is currently working on the proposal to allow parents to mortgage their children to buy the ever expensive houses. Minister Ong said that nowadays it is extremely difficult to find cheap houses. "No one is building them anymore," he said. As a result, there is a shortage of affordable houses especially in metro area. "We have to do something so that the available houses are being purchased. If not, many developers will suffer," he added.

Banks and developers are delighted with the proposal. "Now, not only do we own the parents' income, we will also have their children's piggy banks as well," said Banyak bin Kaya, spokesman for the Malaysian Banking Association. Jeffery, the house developer said that the move will allow him to increase the prices. "We don’t make enough at current prices," he added.

Hundreds of parents were seen pushing each other trying to get more information on how to mortgage their children for their dream houses. When observed near Maybank yesterday, all of them were trying to impress the loan officers by bragging about their children. "My son scored 28 A's in the last exam. For sure he will get into medical school. He can pay when he grows up," claimed Madam Tan from PJ pointing to her 10-year-old son. At a site launch yesterday, children as young as 5 were seen signing the guarantee forms to enable their parents to buy the houses.

Meanwhile, Proton yesterday asked government to also extend the offer to cars, because cars are also very expensive. According to Proton, a lot of people don’t buy cars because they are so unaffordable. "If government can do that for houses, why not also support local cars? I guarantee Proton can be profitable after that," Belilah binti Kereta said. Under the proposal submitted by the company, parent can get their new Gen2 if the son agrees to pay monthly for the rest of his life once he grows up. According to Minister Ong, another proposal to allow the yet to be born children as guarantors is also being considered.

In another development, government announced that they have hired experts David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson to setup the new tsunami warning system. "The donated uniforms fit well," said Pamela while trying on the huge bras yesterday. A search for local candidates that can also fit is currently going on. "They must be real," David added.

Najib clarified that the move was made so that government doesn’t have to mortgage the next generations to pay for the expensive system. "It is definitely cheaper than the price quoted earlier. Some more it will encourage more people to go to beaches," he said.

Touts seen near toll plazas

2005-01-23T23:16:00.000-08:00

As widely rumored, PLUS started to impose fines throughout the highway in an effort to improve customer experience in using their facilities. “We only have customers in mind. We don’t want them to be disturbed by those who loitered around our facilities,” said Khalilah. Yesterday, after consulting the cabinet, PLUS finally made public the official list of expected travel times. The time for travel between KL and Johor, for example, is fixed at 2.5 hours. Beyond that, the fine is RM 1.00 per minute. “Users can appeal by submitting an essay explaining the reason. The 300-word essay must be in Bahasa because our toll collectors don’t understand English,” Khalilah added.

Hundreds of touts were seen loitering outside PLUS highway toll plazas offering their services to motorists yesterday. All of them were seen doing brisk business selling their essays as motorists fought their way to buy the appeal essays required by highway officials. Many of the motorists were buying the essays at the point of entry just in case. “If sold out, how?” asked Mr. Chin Kia Su while entering Jalan Duta toll plaza. Our survey revealed that the most popular essay is the lactating mother story, which also comes with rent-a-baby option. “Business here is definitely better than PDRM, immigration or high court,” an unnamed tout said. “My baby passed through the toll booths more than 50 times today,” she said pointing to her 3-month-old girl. Some touts were also claiming that they can wipe out the fine without essay for a fee.

Najib hailed the move because it will improve Malay literature skills. He clarified that school-leavers who submitted essays can include the writing in their application for university scholarship for further consideration on writing skills. “It won’t be a wasted effort,” he added.

The highway concessionaires will also make traveling more enjoyable and more game-like by not cleaning up the road. It’ll serve as natural obstacles for those who like to maneuver and zig-zag around. “Definitely more exciting than GT4,” Khalilah added. To enhance customers' experience, PLUS will also setup e-Karangan system for motorists to submit their essays online. “We are still waiting for our supplier. Right now they are busy cleaning up e-insurance,” she added.

Meanwhile, in a similar move, Selangor PAC also asked Ng from DAP to write essay to explain his trouble-making activities. “I will fine him, he is making the belly dancers angry. How can I explain to them that daddy is not coming?,” Ahmad Bahri asked. In a move to pacify the committee members, DAP is proposing a study tour to local massage parlors instead. “Here also got bellies, why go so far,” Ng added.

Survey: Malaysia needs Pak Lah

2005-01-21T02:57:00.000-08:00

A survey among Malaysians revealed that most of them believe they can’t live without Pak Lah. Barely over a year at the helm, Pak Lah is seen as the guiding light for the whole nation. “I woke up every morning very lost. I have to read the Star and NST to see what Pak Lah tells us to do that day. Only then I know what to do,” said Liak Bo Kiu from Penang. About 51% of the respondents hold similar sentiment, according to 'What can't you live without?' survey organizer. “Every time there is problem, I always ask how, and lucky, Pak Lah always got the answer in the paper. I am really thankful,” said Muthu, a Brickfield resident.

Most cabinet ministers agreed with the result, except Najib who said he has his own list. “When the blackout happened, I wet my pants. I asked Pak Lah how, and he told me tell them about my wife. He is really wise,” Minister Lim said.

Malaysians from all walks of life were seen queuing up outside Pak Lah's office yesterday. “We are looking up to him for the answers,” said most of them. An 8-year-old child, who was accompanied by her grandmother, waited for Pak Lah to answer her BM homework. “No one can help me, but Pak Lah can,” the little girl said. “I hope Pak Lah can put the answers in the Star newspaper everyday,” she added.

Coming in closely at second place is the KTM (Kuda Toto Magnum) consortium. The consortium received 48% of the vote. However, in a three-way matchup, Magnum holds a slight edge over the other two providers. “Magnum provides us the best way to get rich,” Ali said while queuing up to buy the tickets.

Many Malaysians also think that it is difficult to live without songket, which received 10% of the vote. In terms of percentage, the survey added up to about 153%. The discrepancy is blamed on the gas leakage at the department of Statistics office. “The gas leakage caused our brain to blackout, resulting in the massive technical breakdown on the computer system,” spokesperson Asal bin Cakap said. In an effort to get the latest comment from Pak Lah on the survey, the Star reporter yesterday followed Pak Lah to the toilet. The report reads 'Pssssssssst..... Ahhhh'.

Meanwhile, after a lengthy study, Minister Chan finally blamed a rat for the technical problem in e-insurance system. “They asked me to bring my own mouse, my house only got rat, so I brought it over,” he said. According to our source, Chan’s rat ended up eating cover notes and other documents, as well as computer cables, causing missing data everywhere.

Mak Lah to sing full time

2005-01-18T21:07:00.000-08:00

Spurred by recent success in her performance, fashion designer Mak Lah announced that she is going into singing full time. “I was very nervous at first, but they threatened to throw mock cheques at me, so I had no choice,” she said pointing to thousands of businessmen holding mock cheques. The businessmen went bananas after the first song and forced her to sing the second by bringing out even bigger mock cheques to be thrown at her. “I obliged rather than risked being injured,” Mak Lah added.

According to Mak Lah, Ali Rustam, a well known manager from Malacca, approached her after the show. “He said I have very good potential and want to take me on singing tour to the US,” Mak Lah beamed proudly. The manager just came back from the US, where he successfully launched the singing career of his 3 children who formed a group called Ali Rustam 3. “They really sound like the Jackson 5, better still, it’s only three of them,” he said proudly. He explained that the free trip covered Hawaii, San Antonio, New Orleans and Miami. “It was full house everywhere we went, and government only paid me for two rooms, one for myself and one for my wife. The children stayed for free,” he explained.

Rustam further added that he particularly likes Miami. “I believe we can turn Malacca to look like Miami,” he said. Thousands of Indonesians are currently getting ready to cross the narrow straits with their rafts. “They can be as productive as the Cubans in Miami,” Rustam added.

Meanwhile, Minister Chua yesterday scolded local groups for not taking part in Mak Lah fever activities. “We already said singing is good for health, but they are sitting on their butt,” he ranted. “I am going to pour cold water at them,” he vowed. According to Chua, the government will make it compulsory for everybody to do their part. “I am going to ask police to carry out house arrest. You can’t hide,” he said. So far, only Sharifah Aini was seen doing her part, by firing off emails about Mak Lah to her cousins in the press.

In unrelated development, Cheras motorist Ong, was rearrested again yesterday. This time, he was arrested by JAKIM officers for appearing in indecent outfit while being photographed yesterday. Thousands of local girls flooded his family home number to ask him out.

Meanwhile, Selangor public works clarified the itinerary of their study tour in Egypt. “We are going to study hairy bottom, not belly button,” Ahmad Bahri said from PJ today.

Pirated songket peddler shot

2005-01-17T05:29:00.000-08:00

Another peddler was shot again this morning by a member of gang known as The Enforcers. After conquering the lucrative but highly competitive VCD market, by winning the territorial war against the Chap Sa Tiam, the Enforcers are now moving in to take control in the up and coming songket trade from the remnants of Mamak Gang. “They wanted to take away my songket, they said it was fake, but I bought it from Mak Lah brand distributor,” said 15-year-old Saeed in the hospital nursing his injured butt. The bullet pierced through his back side, exiting from right between his legs. According to our witness who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the peddler did try to fight back by throwing his songket at the Enforcers gang members. “My son is a good boy, he didn’t know it is illegal to sell songket,” said Dawood, his father.

“They injured our members on the head. We already told them that we are going to shoot anything that moves,” said Shafie bin Kapon a.k.a. Skarfes, the boss of Enforcers. “Now we have joined forces with the powerful Mata gang,” he added. As widely known, Mata gang has full control over protection industry around Pudu area. The gang is also known to have a wide after market distribution network. “We can re-sell whatever they take. It’s a win-win partnership,” said Bakri bin Gotti, the don of Mata gang. Within minutes, Dawood came back with the piles of songket. “I had to buy them back from Mata gang,” he said.

When contacted, Pak Lah said nothing could be done to curb the newest violent gang. “This is a first world problem. As the society is getting first class, crimes will get more first class and sophisticated,” he said. “They are unstoppable,” Pak Lah added. Pak Lah also praised Malaysians for responding so enthusiastically to his ‘Be Nice’ campaign. A survey around KL shows that the campaign is enjoying unprecedented success. “From now on, Malaysian will be known as Super Nice people,” he beamed.

“We experienced a massive traffic jam earlier,” said Wong from Bukit Bintang. “Everybody just stopped to let the other cars move first. In the end, no one moved,” he added. When BKC correspondent arrived at the scene outside Sg. Wang, hundreds of people were seen urging each other to move first. “It is a very touchy scene,” Wong added.

The scenes were also repeated in government offices. Before taking her usual 1-hour teh tarik time at 10:00 a.m., IC department employee Nor apologized to hundreds of queueing citizens. “Sorry yah, nak minum,” she said. The citizens smiled back and asked her to take her time. “We can wait here all day, but she really needs her teh tarik,” Madam Tan said. “I am just grateful and thankful because government allows me to apply for IC,” she added.

The sudden change is being noticed worldwide. In an unprecedented move, the Nobel committee members yesterday nominated all Malaysians as the only candidate for the Peace prize this year. “We decided that there will be no voting for the top prize this year,” said Johann, a committee member.

Kebaya blamed for massive blackout

2005-01-14T19:26:00.000-08:00

After more than 1 full day of wild speculations, hundreds of foreign and domestic consultants finally produced the final report detailing the true cause of the massive blackout. Earlier, Tenaga and other unrelated agencies had submitted piles of reports to the PM. “I was totally blurred. I don’t know which one to believe. Deros said it was a trip, Najib said it’s technical, Keng Yaik’s wife said it’s the other woman, and some said they don’t know as it was dark,” Pak Lah related to the press. “The more I read their report, the more I need to call my psychiatric counselor, that’s why we hired the consultants,” he added.

After interviewing various ministers and their wives, the consultants finally found out that a disgruntled female technical staff wearing kebaya accidentally tripped over her own cloth and fell down inside Minister Lim’s office while he was in Malacca. While falling she accidentally pulled a switch, without realizing what the switch is for. Her name is being withheld to protect her privacy. “I really hated it when they made me wear kebaya on Thursday and songket on Friday,” she said. “I want the union to renegotiate this kebaya and songket requirements,” she added.

Minister Lim confirmed the story. “It took me more than 2 hours to rush back here to flip on the switch again. It is a manual switch,” he explained. Minister Lim also clarified a refund review by Tenaga. “Just kidding,” he said.

Despite the massive setback, Mak Lah vowed to continue. “We must go on. I won’t stop until everybody wears kebaya,” she said while climbing escalator in her kebaya. In order to promote kebaya overseas, The Kebaya Museum of Mak Lah is planning for a tie up with The Shoe Museum of Imelda. “I believe we can match most of them,” Mak Lah added.

Furthermore, according to Health Minister Chua, his ministry has been receiving reports about kebaya-clad ladies visiting clinics throughout the country complaining mostly about twisted ankles. “We haven’t updated our website because our IT lady was on MC due to twisted ankle,” he said. “I honestly thought Sami’s contractors screwed up again,” he added.

Earlier today, first world leaders called Pak Lah to congratulate Malaysia. “Good Job, you’ve made it to the first world,” said President Bush. “Only first world countries can have massive blackout like that,” Bush added. “Incredible achievement. This is definitely first class,” said PM Blair. “What took us 100 years, you achieved it overnight,” he marveled at Malaysia.

Relief Agencies overwhelmed by mock cheques

2005-01-13T05:12:00.000-08:00

In a complete reversal of their earlier appeal for monetary donations, dozens of relief agencies today urged the public to stop donating money and give them whatever junks they don’t want instead. “We overstretched and almost paralyzed our resources with the current situation,” said a Mercy representative. According to our source, the agencies can no longer handle the huge mock cheques given by corporate donors. “All of our volunteers now spend their time handling mock cheques, our warehouse is full of mock cheques and our directors have to be treated by our doctors for temporary blindness due to over exposure of camera flashes,” our source added.

A visit to dozens of operation centers revealed similar appalling situation, with aid workers all struggling with huge mock cheques everywhere. Hundreds of businessmen were seen pushing each other to get their pictures taken. “One mock cheque, measuring 100 m by 5 m was certified as the biggest ever made by Malaysian Book of Records”, said Danny the recordman. The RM 50 cheque was donated by Ah Pek Sdn. Bhd. “We raised RM 5000, but the supplier charged us RM 4950 for the mock cheque,” Ah Pek said proudly.

Government is doing everything possible to help the agencies. “Samy and his entourage yesterday flew to Sri Lanka to give some of the mock cheques to the Ceylonese,” Syed Hamid said. “We don’t have their bank account numbers, so this is the best thing to do,” he added.

In another front, PDRM is going out of their way to support Pak Lah in turning Malaysians into a lovey-dovey bunch. Speaking to reporters at the launch of ‘Sayang Rakyat, Mesra Mesra’ campaign, IGP Bakri said, “The aim is to make Police a caring and polite force, with high integrity and honesty.” He further added that PDRM can do it fast, and definitely don’t need 5 years.

Within 24 hours, perplexed Malaysians were amazed by the results. When stopped by traffic police, En. Ramly was greeted with a smile and nice words. “Encik nak sila settle ke?” asked an unnamed cop. “I agreed to settle for RM 50 with him, after that he said thank you. I was so touched I gave him RM 10 more and he hugged me after that,” En. Ramly said when interviewed by BKC correspondent. “It shows how caring we are. Now, I can continue driving as I wish since we can settle matters nicely and politely,” he added.

Meanwhile, NAM and OIC members yesterday urged Pak Lah to stop turning Malaysia into a first world country. “You are the leader of the third world, you have to show how third world you are,” said Susilo, Indonesian president. “If not, how can third world people follow you?” he asked further.

Najib: I had the correct list

2005-01-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

Pressed by Pak Lah who asked for the right list, Najib yesterday came forward and decided to come clean. “I had the lists and gave them to the wrong people,” he said. In an apparently honest mistake, he gave the list of tsunami victims to the Sultan of Pahang as a recommendation for title awards, while the original list of title recipients were given to Pak Lah for tsunami relief.

Yesterday, hundreds of newly awarded Datuks were seen lining up for their daily ration of rice and vegetables from tsunami relief centers near Kuala Muda. “I am hungry, I lost my boat, and my children are also hungry,” said Datuk Belum bin Makan, a local fisherman. “I am thankful that government gave me the title. I heard I can get good money for it,” he added.

Businessman Lim Ah Loong, MD of Thirteen Points Finance Company Sdn. Bhd. from Puchong, was seen fuming over the issue yesterday. “I donated more than RM 400K, and yesterday they called me here and gave me songket and RM 500 for my damaged boat,” he said from Kuala Muda. “I never had a boat. I want my money back,” he screamed. UMNO delegates from Pahang were also angry. “We endorsed him wholeheartedly, and we only got 500. I should have voted for Muhyiddin before, at least he promised me tons of free rice,” the guy added.

In fashion, renowned local designer and lifestyle expert, Mak Lah, yesterday stirred the KL fashion scenes again by announcing the revival of songket. After launching the wildly successful kebaya campaign, which caused massive stock outs in all Kamdar outlets, Mak Lah yesterday introduced songket as an alternative to bra and panties. “Back in the old days, we only wore songket and walked around the house without underwear. It’s very convenient,” she said. “Look, you don’t have to take off your underwear anymore when doing your business,” she added while pointing to the models who demonstrated the process.

According to Mak Lah, if 1 billion Chinese can be made to wear the ugly Mao’s suits, there is no reason why 22 million Malaysians cannot wear songket everyday. Traders in Masjid India were seen piling up loads of songket yesterday. Mak Lah also asked the Indians to stop wasting cloth on saree and start wearing songket instead. In an effort to preserve Chinese interest, Wendy Ong asked for songket printed with Chinese Characters.

Goodie bags a top draw with students

2005-01-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

Thousands of teenagers and their parents were seen jostling for goodie bags at the Star education fair in PWTC yesterday. The entrances were swamped as early as 5:00 a.m., with attendees trampling over each other to get as near the door as possible. “I missed out last year, so this year I am determined to get as many notepads as possible,” sida Chin Kia Su. His father Chin Ai Ia said, “I had to return from my holiday for this and flew here from our home in Kuching. As long as he got what he wanted, I think it’s worth the effort.”

Hundreds of institutions were on hand to attract the determined students and parents. Most of the underpaid temps were seen overwhelmed by the response. “They don’t want the brochure; they just want pens and notepads. Some even threw the brochure back at me,” said a part-time helper at KDU booth. Taylor’s College was seen as the most desperate. “We can tailor any degree for you,” said Macam Macam bin Ada, education consultant. Among the offerings were degrees in butter spreading and cartoon impersonating. “We offer BA degrees in impersonating Disney characters in our 3+0 program with Mickey Mouse University from the US,” he added proudly.

Parents were particularly interested in 1+3D program in numerical sciences degrees from Damacai University. A double degree conferred by Damacai in conjunction with the renowned Feng Shui Institute was also drawing a large crowd. “We signed up 88 students to start our class tomorrow,” Lillian Too said proudly after her big lecture on importance of Feng Shui. She singled out MCA and Minister Chua as the big losers due to lack of feng shui understanding in the organization.

Meanwhile in Chinese politics, most MCA members want to have a feng shui expert to be their next leader. “Chinese and our party are so ‘suay’ (unlucky) lately, we need a new leader. We want team F (as the feng shui camp is now known),” said Chin Phai Mia, a long time delegate. “From now on, we won’t let those guys put our minister on the 13th floor anymore. Chinese interest must be preserved in Putrajaya!” he yelled. Lillian Too, who has been busy putting on weight dining with MCA big shots, was seen as the front runner. “She is pressing her weight to be nominated. It’s important to be seen dining with important people,” said an MCA source. In the mean time, Chua Jui Meng yesterday lodged a complaint with Michael Chong because no one wants to dine with him. “He is broke,” said Ong Ka Ting. Also, Youth leader Ong Tee Keat , who is almost 50, will face a tough fight against 12-year-old Pai Kah Chye who has been itching to move up for the last few years. “I am a real youth,” said the boy.

Review of teachers’ workload

2005-01-05T22:41:00.000-08:00

Teachers being swamped with work will be a thing of the past when the progressive approach is adopted soon. Education ministry is planning the move after a study that highlighted the fact that teachers don’t get to do what they want most, giving tuition to their own students. “I used to be able to run 10 tuition classes daily, said Pn Rohimah, a BM teacher. “Nowadays, I am lucky if I get 2,”she added. She blames marking assignments and exam papers as well as other admin stuff for the problem.

Widely believed to be the most lucrative part of the teaching profession, teachers’ share in the tuition industry has been in steady decline since the Education department asked the teachers to do the administrative work for the department. “Now we are going to ask school janitors to fill up the forms, mark the papers and assess the students,” said Hishamuddin. “We want teachers to concentrate on tuition because it is their core business,” he added.

The move is widely opposed by NUTCP (National Union of the Toilet Cleaning Profession) who also want less work for their members. “After washing the school toilets, I also have to wash toilets in other places,” said Wewangi binti Tandas, the union president. “With the new ruling, I can’t wash the school toilets anymore. Do you want a smelly school toilet?” she asked Hishamuddin. The opposition caused Hishamuddin to crumble like the footballers. “Alright then, let the children do it,” he said. As of 10 minutes ago, the latest directive from the department is to have the children fill up their own forms, mark their own papers and assess their own progress themselves. So far, all the kids we interviewed claimed they are straight-A students.

Furthermore, Hishamuddin also urged Malaysians not to apply for teaching jobs. “We don’t want 60000 applicants for 5000 jobs,” he said. “It only burdens our ministry workers with administrative chores. It’s energy sapping,” he added. He urged Malaysians to apply for the Malaysian Idol job instead.

Meanwhile, a Malaysian ship managed to pick up two men from the Strait of Malacca again. The two, who left Acheh two days ago, were seen hanging on to palm tree on one hand while holding a plaque on another. When interviewed, the two claimed that they were on their way to KL to claim the million-dollar round tables from a local insurance company as stated on the plaque. The plaque was donated by a generous agent through Mercy Malaysia. “I really can’t believe my luck,” said Hasan. “I was expecting biscuits from the helicopter, but they threw me the plaque. It almost hit my head,” he added. Hasan and his friend are expected to be dropped off in Klang tomorrow. “Actually we could reach Klang yesterday, but Najib can’t come until tomorrow to greet them,” said the ship captain.

Malaysia 4 Indonesia 0

2005-01-04T03:43:00.000-08:00

Malaysian squad yesterday managed to trash the Indonesians in street boxing when the two nations met outside Bukit Jalil stadium last night. Held in conjunction with the Tiger Cup semifinal match, the one-sided score line really underscore the superiority of the 60000-strong Malaysian squad against the 10000 team members from Indonesia. “It could have been 10000-0, but we showed some mercy, since we want to be a good host and neighbor,” said Hantam bin Saja, Malaysian boxer. Among the four injured Indonesian boxers were veterans Ahmad and Khairul who have been representing their country in Malaysia since 1990. “We thank the host for their generosity, the score was flattering,” said Pendatang Haram, Indonesian manager.

The win was greeted with joy by top Malaysian sports authorities and politicians. “We may lose the football match, but I will never accept it if we also lose this event,” commented Azalina. Najib who watched the event in person proclaimed that our boxers are one of the best in the world. “I think only England can beat us on this one,” he said. “I am so proud of our boys,” he added while presenting Pingat Cemerlang to the winners.

Meanwhile, Bertalan blamed players’ girlfriends for Malaysian loss in the football match. “They came in during halftime demanded to be married on the spot. My players lost concentration right after that,” he said. FAM promised to get into the bottom of the situation by firing the coaching staff. “Someone has to be responsible, and it cannot be me!” said FAM president who declined to be named.

Meanwhile, in order to catch up with the Indons and Singaporeans, the sports ministry yesterday announced that the country is offering citizenships to South American rejects who want to don the yellow jerseys. “Indon has the Papuans, Singapore has the Africans, we have to do something,” Azalina said. “We are also giving them up to 4 SPGs of their choice,” she added. Thousands of local girls were seen registering at the Beach Club yesterday to be the brides. Furthermore, Sports Ministry also petitioned FIFA to adopt affirmative action in the sport. “I propose a 7% discount in goal size for Malaysia to level the playing field,” Azalina added. Dubbed the New Football Policy (NFP), the proposal also demands the inclusion of minimum of 3 Malaysian players into all national squads whose FIFA ranking is 100 and above.

The Star: The Tsunami Paper

2005-01-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

In line with their policy of staying ahead of the rest, The Star newspaper earlier today revealed their new tagline, The Star: The Tsunami Paper. According to Wong the editor, the new tagline is particularly fitting since starting from tomorrow; the newspaper will dedicate 100% of their reports to tsunami related news. From now on, not only pages 1-20, 25-50 but all of the pages will have articles with tsunami word on it, even business and sports sections. “No Tsunami, no print,” Wong insisted.

According to Wong, a special section will be dedicated to Datuks and other worn-out celebrities who managed to cheat deaths. In the layout copy that we obtained earlier, Datuk Hai Em Sei related how he escaped the tragedy. “I went to Cameron Highlands. I didn’t even know about the earthquake, I thought my mate was a bit too wild, so I asked her to slow down,” he said. “Actually, it never crossed our minds to go to Penang, really lucky,” he added. Separately, Sharifah Aini said, “I was on the phone with my cousin, saying good things about Siti’s body. Lucky my home is not in Batu Ferringgi.”

In Sports section, the headline reads ‘EPL Continues A Week After Tsunami’, while in Education section, local schools are seen advertising their 3+0 Geology programs to turn Malaysian youngsters into tsunami experts.

Also in corporate world, Maxis announced yet another new service. Just a few days after launching the wildly popular tsunami update service, the company yesterday unveiled the Find Your Minister service for Datuks and above. For a fixed fee of RM 399 per month per minister, it will update users with the up to the minute whereabouts of their selected ministers using push-tit technology. A half-ball shaped device called Yellowpapaya with a button right in the middle, priced at RM 9999, must be purchased for the service. The device also comes with double-sided tapes so that it can be attached to the car number plates. “From now on, you know where to find your minister for signatures easily, plus everybody will know straight away that you are a Datuk,” Cakap bin Banyak told a bunch of eager Datuks near Menara Maxis yesterday. “Indon and Filipino Datuks don’t need to apply,” he added.

Within hours, competitor Celcom also came up with a rival service called ‘Ministers Near You’. Available for everybody, the RM 199 service will list all the ministers within 50 meters of the subscriber on their much cheaper device. A test conducted by our correspondent yesterday in Tivoli Villa returned the names of 5 ministers, 10 deputy ministers, 15 parliamentary secretaries and 1 former Deputy PM.

Najib: Government cannot afford to pay

2004-12-30T20:27:00.000-08:00

In a rare public admission of Malaysian state of finance, Najib yesterday stated that the government is essentially bankrupt. “We already looked everywhere, Petronas, Maybank, EPF, Singapore, you name it, but we just can’t find the money,” he cried. “Actually, Singapore has the money, but we can’t afford to pay the interest,” he explained. Consequently, according to him, government can only give up to RM 1000 for the families of those who lost their lives for the first batch.

According to Najib, Lillian Too already told him that December is a bad month. “We spent almost all of our funds, including emergency funds to top up the toll charges, food and lodging for tens of thousands of the teenagers and their BM instructors, as well as for Pak Lah’s trip to India,” he said. “Samy is a lousy negotiator and those kids eat a lot, believe me,” he added. He also added that the development of monuments in Putrajaya must go on. “It is a proof of the progress of our country,” he said.

In order to raise enough money to pay for the second batch announced by Pak Lah on Wednesday, the government is lining up investments with the remaining funds into Kuda, Toto, and Magnum this Saturday. Those with dreams or number tips are urged to call Najib personally. “We are also buying a lot from the black market to avoid sold outs,” he added.

The government is also working out with the big three to organize special draws on every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday until at least March 2005 to help fund the third batch of payments to the tsunami victims. The parties are currently haggling over the amount of top-up to be paid by the government should the proceeds fall short.

Meanwhile, after spending more than a year together in retirement, Siti Hasmah yesterday appealed to the public to find Dr. M a job because he is too annoying at home. “I can’t take it anymore. He wants me to listen to him all the time,” she said. “Yesterday he even threatened to slap me with corruption and sodomy charges,” she added. "Please help, it is my New Year resolution," she pleaded.

BKC would like to wish all the readers a Safe and Peaceful New Year.

Maybank to Levy Charges

2004-12-30T03:46:00.000-08:00

In a move that was billed as extremely progressive in banking industry, Maybank yesterday announced that they are going to start charging customers who talk to their employees. “We are tired of all these people who come in and talk to our tellers. They slow down the line, resulting in other customers talking longer because they have to complain first,” said Kaya bin Raya the spokesperson. According to him, lately the problem actually worsens because some customers even saw it necessary to talk to the ATM, resulting in the increasingly longer queue in front of the machines. “Some even got violent and started kicking the machines,” he said.

Furthermore, those who talk to their own computers while accessing the Maybank online will also see their online access fee increased. “They are hogging our servers,” said En. Kaya. According to him, customers will be charged RM 1.00 per word spoken to a teller and 20 sen per word if the person talks to his own computer. “Our employees are very very expensive,” he reasoned.

When asked for his opinion, a finance ministry spokesperson said that the charges levied are logical and it is still possible to avoid the charges. “I don’t see many people talking to Toto or Magnum ticket typists,” he said.

In related news, after urgent appeals from Malaysian leading investment firms, Kuda Toto Magnum, the government agreed to postpone the deportation of all illegal Indonesians for another month. “They account for 80% of our customers,” said Mr Mah, Kuda representative. “We have to wait for the next batch to come back before we send the current batch home, if not, our business will be bad,” he added.

Also in business front, Genting yesterday decided to come clean and admit that they are really a gambling company. “Forget cruise ships, forget entertainment, 99% of our revenues come from gambling, with 50% from roulette tables,” said Mr. Lim Bentong, the brother. “We hope this will clear the air and urge all investors to stop punishing our shares,” he appealed to public. He also guarantees that their gambling site will be disaster free.

Govt: Foreign Media Biased

2004-12-27T21:21:00.000-08:00

Let’s pause for a minute to pray for those who suffered and lost their lives in the tsunami disaster yesterday.

Now back to our story…………..

Malaysian government yesterday demanded an apology from Newsweek magazine for their recent report on Pak Lah and told Malaysians not to trust foreign media at all due to their unfair and biased reporting. According to the magazine, Pak Lah is set to make prominent and big news in 2005. “It is totally inaccurate,” said Hishamuddin. “Pak Lah makes news everyday, big and small. Mak Lah also, actually all the Lahs make news everyday. How can they say only next year?” he screamed during a press conference yesterday.

According to Hishamuddin, to show the Americans who the owner of this place is, UMNO Youth will organize a demonstration to be staged outside the US Embassy tomorrow. “We will burn all the Newsweek copies we can find, also pictures of George Bush and Time Magazine, after that we will stop by McDonald’s for lunch,” he said. In a bid to keep up with Newsweek, Time yesterday announced that they are naming Pak Lah the Person of Next Year. According to layout artist who only wished to be called John, Pak Lah is in contention to make the next cover. “It’s either him or Mickey Mouse,” John said.

According to Najib, most foreign media can only say bad things about Malaysia. “We shouldn’t read them at all, except Playboy and Penthouse, which show bad things about the West,” he said. Information ministry yesterday warned local publications not to carry news reported by foreign media. “All news must be 100% local,” Kadir said.

Most local Chinese tabloids with Hongkie content announced their closure yesterday. “No one will read Michele Yeoh and her fat ass everyday,” said a magazine spokeswoman. Local citizens don’t know what to make of the situation. When interviewed for his opinion on the issue, Ah Beng asked, “What is a magazine?” Separately, Ah Lian asked “How now?”

Furthermore, The Sun announced another move to reduce the paper size. Starting from next year, the publication will be printed on paper the size of nasi lemak wrapper. Our survey shows that a lot people actually get their news from their take away food. “We will only carry local rape and snatch theft stories, as well as classified ads of massage services,” said Chong the editor. He added that this move will cut a string of old newspaper collectors middlemen and enable his paper to reach the readers quickly. At the same time, consortium of Government owned newspapers (GONE) yesterday blamed their distributors for the drop in their circulations. “Our news quality is top notch, but those delivery boys are damn lazy,” said Mai Coh Kang, from Nanyang. “If we double the boys, our circulation will double,” he added.

Meanwhile, upon hearing that Malay literature is in, yesterday Samy demanded that the Indian epic Mahabrata be included in NS training. “To promote racial unity and trade with India, we need to know more about that country. Nothing can better describe that place than this story,” he said. Separately, Ong Ka Ting also proposed Chinese epic Journey to the West featuring Sun the monkey to be part of the training as well. “We need to support Pak Lah wholeheartedly. This book will help whoever wants to go to India because it provides all the details needed to get there,” he said. “Students will also be able to learn some magic and practice telepathy and teleporting as well,” he added. Najib is said to be considering a 3-1-1 literature formula, details are not yet known.

Separately, International League of Youths yesterday named Hishamuddin Almost Man of The Year 2004. He is recognized for his lifetime contribution and achievements as a youth chief. At 42, he is the oldest youth ever to receive the prestigious award. When interviewed, he thanked Orang Kampung for their tongkat ali. “I am glad that I won the honor for Malaysia, Malaysia Boleh!” he shouted. Saparately, his wife said, “He is not half the man he used to be.”

Najib: Literature for NS Trainees

2004-12-24T20:28:00.000-08:00

Government wants our youth to be rounded and balanced. “We ask them to work on ropes and feed them, but I think that’s not enough. They need to study Malay literature to be even more rounded,” Najib said yesterday in Putrajaya.

The decision was made after a lengthy study by Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka (DBP) which concluded that Malay literature is in hot demand. According to Najib, every year our universities churned out thousands of Malay and Islamic studies graduates and all of them found something to do. “We see them everywhere, in Petaling street, in Masjid India selling stuff, in restaurants serving, in immigration department loitering, at homes throughout the country cleaning, you name it, they are there,” he said. “It is a proof of how well rounded a person can be if he knows Malay literature,” he stressed to the press.

Recruitment for the Malay literature trainers began yesterday. “We have more than 1 million applicants for the jobs so far,” Najib said proudly. “I think Indians should come here and see how successful we are,” Najib added.

This morning, camps throughout the country hold Malay classes taught by BM experts recruited yesterday by DBP. When visited somewhere in the middle of the jungle in Kelantan, a group of trainees were eagerly practicing the correct way to pronounce the phrase ‘Keranamu Malaysia’ with the guidance from a DBP trainers. “Next week, we will try Jalur Gemilang,” said the trainer. The government is also planning to teach the trainees math and science in English next year. “We need to give them what our schools can’t do,” Najib clarified.

In a bid to help the Thai, Najib said in addition to pictures, Malaysia also needs the GPS coordinates of the location, vehicles used, age, fingerprints, blood type and exact number of terrorists trained. “We need those information before we can start looking in Kelantan,” he said. “If possible, we also need to know their favorite diet, and the name of their pets as well,” he clarified.

Meanwhile, PM’s two missing horny Australian goats were found to have made the journey across Penang Bridge and ended up being sold as sop kambing in Kayu Nasi Kandar outlets throughout the island. Wives and girlfriends of the patrons flooded the single line Kayu call center yesterday to thank the owner. “We just wanted to do our part for Penang,” said Kayu spokesperson. “Penangites should make more love to return the island to its original lust,” he added.

Pak Lah: Outsource to India

2004-12-23T01:43:00.000-08:00

In a landmark breakthrough never seen before in the past, Malaysian government has again surprised the world by announcing that it has agreed to outsource its ministries to India. Pak Lah said that since everybody is laughing at him, he is determined to show that this India thing will actually work. According to Pak Lah, there are a lot of similarities between the two countries. “We are both democratic, follow British laws and systems and have almost identical bureaucracies. And yet, they are 10 times cheaper," he said. PM Singh said he is not so sure about the democracy part.

We will start with the Works Ministry,” explained Pak Lah from New Delhi. “You won’t even know the difference,” he added. Effective immediately, all functions of the Works Minister will be taken over by a call center managed by Tete Consulting in their office in Bangalore. “We already trained Rajoo with the recordings of your minister. He got it right within 10 minutes. Rajoo even has the same hairdo,” said Ranjit the call center manager.

According to the press release issued by Tete Consulting and Scomi (their Bumi kaki), all calls to the ministry will be routed to Bangalore and callers will be charged Rm 2.99 per minute. Malaysian government has agreed to top up to the contract amount should the charges fall short. “It is still cheaper than running the department ourselves,” Nak Lah said. He further added that existing Works Ministry buildings will be converted into government hospitals since the consultants, Scomi, found that the air-cond systems are still not contaminated.

A call to Works Ministry earlier today by our correspondent was picked up by a male voice with familiar accent. When asked about the toll rise issue, he said, “You should be thankful that you still have a highway. In India, no highway!” He also warned us to stop bringing up the landslide and cracked beams issues.

Back in KL, Najib said that he hasn’t received the pictures from Thailand until today. A check at Bangkok Main post office revealed that a letter with pictures was posted last week and was promptly returned to sender. “Oh, that letter is not for me,” said Najib. “It was addressed to ‘Najib the Minister, which one? Some more got no title and the year of the title award. How can I accept?” he asked.

Pak Lah: Go West

2004-12-21T02:14:00.000-08:00

Thousands of Malaysian workers were found stranded in Chennai yesterday. They were the first batch of enthusiastic men and women who rushed to India right after hearing Pak Lah’s comment that there are a lot of opportunities there. “I paid Samy the agent RM5000 to come here, but there’s no job,” claimed one of the victims from the jammed pack Chennai airport. Spotted among the crowd was Hasmawi the footballer, who had to call off his wedding plan to follow Pak Lah’s lead. When interviewed, the footballer told our reporter that Indian women pay dowry. When contacted near antartica, Sharifah Mazlina also confirmed that she is making a sharp u-turn so that her boat can catch up with Pak Lah.

As reported by major dailies, while Indian PM Singh urged his countrymen to look east, Pak Lah told Malaysian to look west, but not too far west. Clarifying his position, PM Singh today said that what he actually meant was further east than Malaysia. “It’s beyond the Pacific,” he said. “Although some ended up in Malaysia, the much better ones are going to California. Malaysians pay peanuts,” he told our Indian reporter. “And we look further west also,” PM Singh added. PM Singh further told reporters that he is grateful that Pak Lah didn’t ask Malaysians to go that far. Unperturbed, Pak Lah insisted that Malaysians should still go to India before the others get there. “I am very happy we actually beat the Lees and Thaksin on this one,” he said.

Pak Lah also believes Singh can help solve problems in the world of politics. “Singh can definitely help untangle Palestine and Iraq. India has a very good record,” he said. When asked about situations Kashmir and China-India border, Singh said “no comment!”

However, Singh told Pak Lah in order to end long running MIC and IPF problem; he must get rid of Pakistani influence from the dispute. “Do you know what P in IPF stands for?” Singh asked. “Real Indians will never touch that letter, some more Pandithan rhymes with Pakistan,” he added. As part of non-aligned group, Singh also urged Pak Lah to realign so that we don’t look lost.

In a related development, the government is making all effort to locate the tallest Pakistani who overstayed his visa and is currently believed to be hiding somewhere in KL Tower. “We are making it easier for everybody to catch him,” said Ahmad Zahid. Starting from tomorrow, free shuttle bus service will be deployed to bring in as many people as possible to find that guy. All Malaysians are requested to participate.

Elsewhere in Putrajaya, an NGO called Malaysians for Thanks yesterday thanked Samy (not the job agent) for increasing the NSE toll by 10%. “Lucky not 20% or 30%,” said Pn. Kamsiah, the spokeswoman.

Najib: We funded insurgency

2004-12-19T19:35:00.000-08:00

In a dramatic reversal of the initial position to deny everything, Najib decided to come clean and admitted to funding the insurgency in Thailand early this morning.

As widely reported since two days ago by major dailies, Thaksin accused Malaysia of harboring terrorists and training them in Kelantan. PM and a bunch of ministers came out fighting by saying, “where got? Show proof!”

Through diplomatic channel, Thaksin yesterday sent classified pictures of boys in military camouflage loitering around towns along Kelantan border. “We train them in camps in Kelantan, give them money and they skip their sessions to sneak into Thailand to have fun. They are so rebellious, I really don’t know what to do with those brats. Totally out of control,” Najib said tearfully. “I appeal to all parents to take them back. You can’t expect the government to look after your own children,” he chided. “You parents need to show more responsibility. Government cannot do everything,” he added. Najib further clarified that the government has spent 10% of Malaysian GDP for food, uniforms, and shelters for the children. “That’s a lot of money, and you guys can’t expect us to continue wasting like that,” he chided Malaysian parents.

According to Dick Hard, ex-US Navy sailor who is a permanent resident in Tak Bai, the scene reminded him of his days in Subic Bay. “Look around you, so many boys in uniform in the bars,” he said while downing his beer. The streets around town are filled with makeshift tents. It is a place of worship, according to our Thai correspondent. “The place is noisy, but we can hear screams praising God everywhere around us,” said kamlanlongjimbangsomek Tongklakkimsloppun.

Somewhere in a camp in the middle of nowhere near Ipoh, sibling NS trainees Chin Ah Beng and Chin Ah Lian complained like mad upon hearing the news. “Here so condemn lah,” said Ah Beng. Ah Lian claimed that there is nothing to buy in Ipoh, except ngar choi kai and pomelo. “My friend in Kelantan got buy Gucci bag for RM5, damn cheap. Here goo ni (milk) also damn hard to get,” she said. Ah Beng and his camp mates are demanding to be sent to Kelantan immediately. Violence erupted in camps throughout the country protesting the unfairness. “Give us Kelantan or give us Hell,” said the children. According to unnamed FRU personnel, the scenes reminded him of KL 1998. “It is totally out of control,” he said.

Meanwhile, upon hearing the explanation, Thaksin accepted the story and said the two countries should do everything to promote cross-border tourism. “The pictures we had were in black and white, so we can’t tell it’s blue,” he apologized sheepishly. “I’m going to KL to personally hug Najib,” he added.

In a related development, Hishamuddin today added Singapore and Thailand into the axis of whiners list. “If they don’t stop, we are going to preemptively strike them,” he said.

Exams for Foreign Workers

2004-12-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

Human Resources Ministry yesterday announced that all foreigners will eventually be made to sit on tests so that they do not create problems here. “They have to know local culture and customs inside out before they can come in,” said Abdul Rahman. He added that maids are exempted from this requirement. “We already know Indon maids are dumb anyway,” he said.

A check by our agents throughout major cities in Indonesia revealed that copies of the 500-question papers are selling like hot cakes for 500 rupiahs a pop. For 1000 more, they also get the answers sheet. In addition to the general questions on popular tourist spots around KL and Putrajaya, the exam is also laden with some trick questions. Our correspondent managed to obtain one of them.

Question 499 – Who is the Malaysian greatest leader? According to Hishamuddin, this question is damn tricky. 99.99% of participants flunked this question during the most recent UMNO convention. “We tried in cabinet meeting also, and almost all failed as well,” he said. He added that in both occasions only 1 person answered correctly. “The trick is to know what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is. The correct answer is of course Pak Lah,” he clarified. “I’m sure all those foreigners will be tricked,” he laughed.

According to Minister Fong, the department is also currently working on 5000-question test to be given to all expats, with additional 500 questions on Malaysian vegetations to be given to Indian IT workers who are vegetarians. “We don’t want them to die here eating wrong things, you know, some too heaty some too cooling,” he said.

Furthermore, starting from next year, all tourists coming to Malaysia must take part in Putrajaya Treasure Hunt. “We try to make some exams fun,” said Ujilah binti Semua from Education Department.

In totally unrelated news, Azalina vowed to wushu all Malaysian footballers if they fail to get pass Indonesia in their Tiger Cup semifinal encounters. “I am a woman on a mission,” she said. “If they are still alive, I’m going to line them up in Putrajaya lake and slam them with my dinghy,” she added while practicing in Putrajaya for the event yesterday. “Hisham so lembek before, see what we got. I can’t take it anymore, we need to get tough. Just like in Puteri UMNO, I’m the thorn among the roses!” she declared.

Kadir: Air More Unity Shows

2004-12-17T23:33:00.000-08:00

Minister Kadir yesterday urged local media outlets to air more unity shows that portray Malaysian way of life. “I am not satisfied with the current programming lineups,” he said. “No unity at all,” he added. He also told local producers that it is definitely possible to make profit out of unity shows. “I know some that are selling like hot cakes,” he said. All TV stations in the country are given 90 days to comply with the new recommendation.

According to Tayangan binti Gambar, head of programming at RTM1 saluran infotainmen anda, the station had been trying hard to secure local shows that fit the criteria. “There are not many of them, but I believe we just found one,” she said. According to her, beginning from 1st January 2005 the channel will start airing Kisah Kehidupan Seorang Pramugara Yang Terlampau (The Steward) continuously throughout the day for at least 6 months. “When it comes to showing unity, this movie is second to none. People are being united over and over again. Better still, it is 100% local,” she clarified. RTM1 sources are confident that this show will skyrocket them to the top of ratings chart. Our sources further added that the station is currently looking into purchasing the rights of similar shows that are locally produced. “The local content is a must. Not negotiable!” said Kadir. Over in Petaling Jaya, TV3 also announced the signing of MOU to air a unity show starring a Datin.

In order to show the rakyat how united our cabinet is, the government has agreed to a reality show titled ‘Unity in the Cabinet’ to be aired in RTM2 soon. “We don’t see the two channels competing,” said an RTM executive. The two channels are attracting different demographics. The production team is currently working hard to solve a glitch. Apparently, Samy doesn’t want to be seen anywhere near Rafidah. Watching from the viewing gallery, Pandithan criticized Samy for not playing balls. “If asked, I will definitely take part,” he said.

Not to be outdone, NTV7 has signed a contract with Mohd. Rizal, the lead actor in the Steward show, to star in their upcoming TV serial. The yet to be titled script will feature excessive lifestyle of a prisoner. “It’ll show a different kind of unity. Sorry, I have to keep the details secret,“ said Kumar, the show director. To be shot on location in Sungai Buloh prison, the shooting is expected to take about 18 months. NTV7 is currently appealing to the information ministry to extend the 90-day deadline.

Samy: Hike in North-South Expressway Stays

2004-12-16T22:30:00.000-08:00

The 10% increase in toll charges for PLUS highway will take effect on 1st January 2005 as announced earlier with slight modification. The hike only applies to northbound traffic, from Ipoh onwards. The cabinet agreed to the move almost unanimously, with the only dissent coming from Rafidah Aziz. Samy said that the government is doing everything they can to restore Penang back to its old charm.

The decision was taken after a lengthy study conducted by Tourism Survey International, a foreign research company. Their research found that the main reason why Penang is currently facing so many problems is that there are too many cars with Wilayah and Selangor plates there. These cars ignore traffic rules and simply park as they wish. On top of that, most of the passengers in those cars are ugly. “It’s one thing if they look like Amber Chia, but these blobs all look like Rafidah,” said octogenarian Pi Neng Lang, the only source interviewed by the Mat Salleh’s company. “Back in the old days, not so many ugly people came to Penang,” he recalled vividly.

Samy added that the company is currently working out the details with road concessionaires and the government on more ways to prevent ugly people from using toll roads. “We may introduce good looking people only lanes and toll booths in the near future,” said an unnamed PLUS official.

“Enough is enough,” said Samy. “The government cannot keep on paying for ugly people. We are looking at doubling the toll rates for ugly people starting June 2005, if not, government needs to fork out more than 100 million just to let them use PLUS highway alone,” he added. Samy’s proposal was met with violent objections from Rafidah during the cabinet meeting. However, Sharizat told her to shut up because no one else is complaining, except those ugly bunches from DAP. “Ugly people should just go to Ipoh because it is where they belong,” Sharizat said during parliamentary session yesterday, pointing her finger at the direction of Lim Kit Siang. Simultaneously, Parliament Speaker asked MP Lim to lodge a complaint to Michael Chong if he has problems.

Meanwhile, Penang state government has agreed to demolish Komtar, in an effort to restore the old look. “It has become an eyesore,” said MB Koh. “After years of neglect and abuse by the ticket touts, Komtar looks more and more like Puduraya nowadays,” he lamented. He also added that all ugly Penangnites should pull up their socks and stay in bed, so that the city can look more beautiful.

As this piece was written, Penang Consumer Association reported a huge jump is socks sales all over the island and BM. “We are running out of supplies,” said Mr. Boey, a Pulau Tikus pasar malam hawker. The state government is considering a move to make socks controlled item.

In another development, Samy urged the government to provide more power to Malaysian Indians. “Chinese killers have guns, Mamak Gang members have guns, and here we always read that Indians are hacked to death,” he said. “We need to find a less painful way,” he told eager participants of Empowering the Malaysian Indians seminar.

Thousands Floored by Kungfu Masters

2004-12-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

Thousands of kungfu fans were floored by the Shaolin masters during their gala performance in Bukit Jalil last night. The incident started at around 8:30 p.m., during the second act which features a bunch of monks performing with 18 trademark Shaolin weapons.

Right after the spinning sword scene, the monks suddenly went berserk and started attacking members of the audience with their weapons. The melee went on for a good half hour with members of the audience, which were unusually burly, fighting back. But they couldn’t match the smoothness of the monks’ moves.

Hundreds of police cars, ambulances and fire engines rushed to the site, creating a huge traffic jam along Sg. Besi Highway. The injured were taken to hospitals around KL and PJ, creating unexpectedly chaotic scenes everywhere. According to Dr. Cemas, head of emergency unit at Universiti Hospital, the injured suffered from twisted necks to chopped penis. “We can’t cope. Too many of them here, and I am the only doctor tonight,” he said. Minister Chua said most of the UH doctors had to be sent back earlier this month because they were illegals.

Despite the incident, Azalina said the show must go on. We are going to employ silat exponents from Terengganu to stand in. “No one will know the difference. Anyway, silat, kungfu, karate, taekwondo, they are all the same. Just because it was performed by botaks, we call it kungfu,” she said.

When interviewed, victim Mohd. Yusof Abu Bakar said he was there just to learn the moves. “I thought me and my guys could learn some kungfu, we didn’t ask to be beaten up like this,” he said. He was later arrested by Police after he accidentally wrote ‘Mamak Gang’ as employer in his Sihat Malaysia claims form. Police officers have been tracking their activities for the past few months, conducting surveillance around their houses, “but we had no idea that those guys bought the Shaolin tickets,” IGP Bakri said. “Lucky, we got Shaolin monks here,” he added. Also arrested among the victims were hundreds of other gang members and their air stewardess girlfriends.

In another development, the producer of Puteri Gunung Ledang has lined up a new budget bursting colossal blockbuster titled Panglima Tongkat Ali. Based on the true story of a former warrior from Kelantan, the producer has recruited more than 100 MAS stewardesses to star in the movie. “We realized that they are very talented. They will make Tracy Valentine look like a rookie,” said Tiara.

In an emergency meeting near KLIA, MAS spokesperson, Terbang bin Jimat, announced that with immediate effect, MAS is restructured into a ‘really no-frills’ airline. “With half of our stewardesses in jail and the other half pursuing movie career, we have no choice but to change.” According to him, MAS passengers are expected to bring their own food and drinks and find their own seats from now on.

Meanwhile, speaking from his new office in Bangsar, former Datuk Bandar Mohd Shaid said, “Welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your order please?”

East Coast Flood Water To Be Diverted

2004-12-14T08:29:00.000-08:00

The major flood that is damaging the states of Terengganu, Pahang and Kelantan will be addressed soon with the solution that was approved yesterday by the Federal Government. Samy announced from Putrajaya yesterday that the water will be diverted to Putrajaya using smart tunnel currently being constructed and is fast-tracked for completion within one week.

During the conference, Samy made clear that he had nothing to do with the contract award process. “It’s all done by those folks in project management office. I didn’t know head or tail. But they told me it’ll take one week,” he clarified. Samy added that the government apologize to the public for the massive traffic jams in KL caused by the construction of the tunnel. “Bear with us for a few more days,” he said.

The solution was hailed as an engineering marvel, never before attempted and completed within such a short time. “It shows the true spirit of Malaysia Boleh,” said Najib. The diversion will increase the water level in Putrajaya significantly, making the new city accessible only by gondolas. Gondola operators in Putrajaya welcomed the decision wholeheartedly. “Before this, we get 2-3 passengers a day, I’m sure we can double that,” said Muthu, the head of Gondola Association. According to Sheikh Kadir, with this achievement, before long people will refer to Venice as Putrajaya of Europe.

Meanwhile, Najib announced that those 5,000 NS trainees who can’t make it to the flooded states will be exempted from further training if they take part in the tunnel digging activities. Those interested should go directly to the current digging site near Sg. Besi.

In another development, Pak Lah managed to sell those bridges in Putrajaya that will no longer be used after this to Singapore for 3 sen per sq. meter. They will be used for the third bridge connecting Johor and the island country. Pak Lah and Goh Chok Tong signed the agreement yesterday. Within 24 hours, Najib demanded a renegotiation because the government realized that 3 sen is too cheap.

Less Flood Money for Kelantan

2004-12-12T21:21:00.000-08:00

“Kelantan is going to receive RM 100, while Pahang and Terengganu will get RM 100 Million each from Federal government to deal with their current flood crisis,” Azmi Khalid announced from his office in Putrajaya earlier today. When asked about the difference, he said that is because Kelantan MB is old and ugly.

“I can’t stand his face and beard. Teruk sangatlah,” he added. He explained that the money for Kelantan was only given after Pak Lah instructed him to show a little bit of mercy to ugly people. Azmi Khalid urged Kelantanese to vote for better looking people next time. “This is absolutely the last time. Next time, don’t expect the same if you keep electing that voodoo master!” he warned. In a rare agreement with the government, Lim Kit Siang and Karpal Singh said that the ugliness is the only reason why DAP have not merged with PAS.

In a clear sign of rift within PAS leadership, Hadi Awang said that unless Nik Aziz quickly gets plastic surgeries and botox injections, his days as PAS spiritual leader are numbered. “No matter how good the spirit he brings to the table, I can’t bring myself to drink more than two glasses if I have to stare at his face all the time,” he added.

From her office, Rafidah Aziz urged those ugly women to always remember their place and be contented. “No one ever approached me during cabinet meeting. They all went to sit with Sharizat. But see, I’m not complaining,” she said. “That bitch is blur like sotong!” Rafidah added.

Meanwhile, the father of the 13-year-old rape victim who wants to marry her assailant urged PAS to sacrifice for the common good. “My future son-in-law is a fucking asshole. But he can feed and give clothings to my daughter. I hope PAS can do the same, so that all Kelantanese can eat,” he pleaded. When asked about the possible marriage, Nik Aziz vehemently refused. “Tak nak jantan tua,” he said of spiritual leader Dr. M.

Pak Lah Shows True Leadership - Updated

2004-12-12T20:43:00.000-08:00

Just days after solving the big corporate take over problem at DRB-Hicom, Pak Lah managed to solve another big share-ownership headache. The owner of Dai Fatt Noodle Factory, Mee Ah Gong, recently passed away and his three sons, Ah Gu, Ah Ngiau, and Ah Kau had been fighting over the factory for the past few months. According to Pak Lah, the dispute has been going on for too long and Malaysia cannot afford to face shortage of noodles because of the dispute.

In resolving the issue, the government prefers Ah Gu to take over the business since he was able to propose the prime minister the most attractive offer, RM 3.60 per 1 kg of noodles, 10 sen cheaper that the price offered by Ah Ngiau/Ah Kau consortium. “It is a win-win formula,” Pak Lah declared, clearly relieved that the ordeal was over. “Now, I have to look into the Shahib Nasi Kandar situation,” he added. Clearly shaken, Ah Ngiau and Ah Kau said they are going to ask for legal advice from Karpal Singh.

At the same time, a reliable Dewan Rakyat source said that proposals are going to be discussed in the next cabinet meeting on several options in resolving the ever increasing corporate dispute issues. “We clearly need a better approach. A ministry is needed for this and we are going to propose the name of Ministry of Corporate Takeover to be headed personally by Pak Lah,” he said. However, Hishamuddin prefers a race-based solution, with Malay problems handled by UMNO, while Chinese and Indian problems should be handled by MCA and MIC respectively.

When asked, Ong Ka Ting urged those Chinese that are disputing to go to MCA headquarter straight away to get their pictures taken with Michael Chong and his chicks. The Star daily has agreed to publish the pictures in page 33. “We think those pictures are hip,” said Ms. Wong, the editor.

Sami also welcomed Hishamuddin’s suggestion. “We propose that the disputed assets to be taken over by Maika Holdings. That way, we can use the money for the benefit of all Indians,” he winked.

Restricted Passport for Kelantan

2004-12-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

The government announced yesterday that starting from January 2005, those who plan to visit Kelantan must apply for Restricted passport which can be used to enter the state. It is necessary for the government to introduce this measure to curb undesirable behavior and influence coming from the state. Nowadays, since the rest of the country have advanced tremendously, Kelantan looks more and more like Indonesia. “The state is actually holding back the achievement of ‘Wawasan 2020’, which would have been declared a success in 2004, 16 years ahead of schedule,” stated Azmi Khalid in Putrajaya yesterday.

According to Rafidah Aziz, this measure will bring little impact to Kelantan, since nobody is going there anyway. She pointed to the latest statistics which showed that for year 2004, the state only managed to get RM 12.00 from tourism spending. BKC managed to track down the person spending the money, who is currently being held under ISA in Kamunting. When interviewed, his wife, Mrs. Pathi tearfully explained that her husband was only buying a few bowls of tom yam soup as her children was hungry then. IGP Bakri said that the investigation is ongoing and they are trying to get to the bottom of the soup.

When interviewed in Kota Bahru, spiritual leader Nik Aziz disputed the numbers. “It is totally untrue that Kelantan is poor under PAS. We are the leader in entertainment industry,” he insisted. He added that the state produces the most number of GROs in the country, and they send a lot of money back. “I heard some send as much as RM 40,000 a month,” he added. A check around nightclubs in Bukit Bintang confirmed his claim. According to Ah Hai, a local bouncer, KL people like to screw opposition chicks.

Meanwhile, over at the Immigration department, the passport decision was met with a sigh of relieve. “We still have more than 9.9 million copies of the restricted passports in our storerooms. They were ordered three years ago and we had to order 10 million copies then to qualify for quantity discount,” stated Belilah binti Belah, the Purchasing Director of the Department.

In another development, those working in Singapore will be exempted from using their international passport next year if they swim across the narrow water separating the two countries. “It makes no sense to demand passport from them since they are going to get wet,” said Azmi Khalid. In order to encourage more cross border swimming activities, the Sultan of Johor has agreed to confer Datukship titles to those who swim across more than 300 times in a year.

Samy: Indians grossly undercounted

2004-12-07T06:26:00.001-08:00

Samy yesterday disputed the Statistics department estimate that population of Indians in Malaysia dropped by 2.5% last year. "I can’t take it. It’s false. For sure there are Indians out there that are unaccounted for. Did those guys ever walk around Brickfields or Masjid India? It gets crowded everyday. I can’t even differentiate those places from Madras, and they gave me this crap that our population dropped."

Trying to explain the numbers, Department head, Salah bin Kira, said that those are comparative numbers, to which Samy cut him, “Indians cannot come down, only up. Do you know that we delivered more than 8 million Indian votes in the last election? Where are those guys from? You tell me!”

Samy said that he is going to petition the Prime Minister for a complete recount of Indian population. “Every soul must be counted, dead or alive! Those who married Indian must be considered Indians, as well as mamak, Pakistani, Bangla and Ceylonese must also be considered Indians,” he said.

“Our mating success is top notch. Look at India, now they are about to take over China. How can our population drop?” He ranted. Hishamuddin said that Samy’s outburst actually hurt racial harmony in this country. “He should not have questioned the Malay supremacy. With tongkat ali and kacip fatimah, the Malays are definitely better.” According to Hishamuddin, Rakan Muda is planning to organize a show of force to show Indians and Chinese who the daddy is.

Meanwhile, leading feng shui consultant Lillian Too said that in order to produce more children, Indians must buy more Chinese needles and bury them outside their house right under the tree. Needles can be purchased from her shop at RM 8.88 per packet. Survey available from the highly respected Feng Shui World magazine showed that more than 80% of those using the needles gave birth to Chinese babies last year. “The number speaks for itself,” she said proudly.

Perodua to Shift Strategy

2004-12-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

In a move that was hailed as the boldest move since the attack of Pearl Harbor, Perodua Malaysia earlier today announced that they are going to shift strategy from assembling clunkers to producing high end products in its class.

Recognizing that by itself, the company can never fight in the crowded space, taking into account that both John Deere and Caterpillar, Perodua biggest competitors, recently announced that they are going to start producing and selling their lawn mowers in Malaysia, Perodua has decided to phase out their products such as Kancil and Kelisa starting this month and will concentrate on producing ultra light, 2-wheeled, hybrid powered vehicle for domestic consumption starting January 2005. Codenamed “Kambing” the vehicle is set to take advantage on the most economical source of energy of all, pedal power and gravity. “Hence, it is qualified for the hybrid category,” said Tong Kosong bin Tong Bunyi, its spokesperson. The inclusion of this vehicle in the category was recently confirmed by the Malaysian Book of Records.

Clearly delighted, Sami said that the vehicle is particularly well suited for Malaysian road condition, which is full of cracked beams. “With this vehicle, we will be able to reopen MRR2 without further repairs needed, saving the taxpayers and contractors millions of ringgits” he declared. “Every Malaysian should be required to use this vehicle for traveling,” he added.

Those who would like to take a peep at the vehicle should check out http://www.perodua.com.my/ in a couple of weeks. For now, just avoid MRR2 at all cost.

Sharifah Aini Charged by Police

2004-12-04T19:49:00.000-08:00

Local celebrity Sharifah Aini was charged yesterday by Police Department for faking an orgasm. The offence was allegedly committed during her romp with a Minister who is not named to protect his identity. IGP Bakri said that it is a serious offence and she was charged with violating federal law 127/84 for insulting a high ranking government official.

During her press conference, flanked by her counsel Karpal Singh after posting her bail, Sharifah Aini denied faking the whole thing. She insisted that she did come. “He inserted his big needle into my body repeatedly. I felt like I was hit by a hammer on my head and passed out after screaming yes or no. I honestly cannot remember what I said,” she said tearfully. “It was a very frightening yet entertaining episode. I swear to God I did not fake it,” she added. Karpal Singh in her defense insisted that his client was innocent, and vowed to defend her all the way to the parliament. “I’d rather be expelled from Dewan Rakyat than to see her going to jail,” he said.

The Minister, visibly angry and nursing bruised ego, vowed to take full revenge over the incident. “I am not going to let this incident off so easily. Sharifah has to pay for it.” As a start, according to the minister, he is going to arrest all the illegal immigrants from Indonesia beginning of next year. According to the Minister, all available organizations will be organized to maximize the result. “We are going to deploy PDRM, ARMY, RELA, NGOs, GROs all over the country for this effort. With 1 GRO for every 2 illegals, I am sure our effort will succeed,” he declared.

Meanwhile, according to IGP, although the charges were brought, the investigation is ongoing. “We are going to use all available methods to prove that she faked it,” he said. According to our sources, the Forensic department is going to carry out a series of tests to trace the existence of monosodium glutamate from her vaginal fluid. “The substance was usually released if the woman reached the peak during intercourse,” according to Dr. Mani from Forensic. To carry out the test, a carbon dating is required to determine the age of the substance, which can be precisely tracked to the 100th of a second when it was released. Karpal Singh said that such test was unfair, “What if she was cooking during the time and somehow her underwear fell into the soup? The whole test is then contaminated.”